GameStick as a USB gamepad - Fully detected, but produces no data

My GameStick was stored away in a drawer for years. Today I decided to give it a try again, only to find it unbootable for some reason.

So I thought well, ok, I can still use its gamepad as a USB gamepad. I connected it to my laptop via USB and it was fully detected: Device type (HID), manufacturer, number of buttons, number of axes, etc. So I thought yay! But nay! On jstest, none of the buttons produce any data; all buttons appear released all the time, even as I frenetically press every one of them.

Does anyone know how to make this damn thing work? It was clearly made to work this way, with all the buttons detected and everything, but why doesn't it produce any data!?