I just dont think I can anymore

Who is the person in the mirror? Every action feels forced and unclean.

I punish myself with food and liquor, too much too much.

The only way I can be in control of other people is to project an air of condescension. This is the easiest way to deter anyone from trying to get close. Assure them you are better than they are. Or just plain be mean.

I have seen & done too much.

I am tired of using reddit and being aubscribed to the red pill and having my sexuality, my chromosomal structure determine the way that men treat me. It's no better for me than it is for them. That's what they can't seem to understand.

Always spewing hatred for things women do and how they act. Where is the subreddit for women to complain about these cruel men who talk about women like prize animals they are trying to procure. All I am is a number. Not high enough to really matter. This means I am a faceless bitch, not even worth the time to be manipulated.

My aspirations of becoming fit and desirable are smoke drifting through my room. I am asleep more than I am awake.

Soon I will be forced to leave and become independent. Tied to a job I hate to pay for a shitty apartment so that I can have a semblance of control over my life.

Curious how long it will take that control to spiral out of hand. How soon will the neighbors smell my stinking corpse? Maybe they won't. Maybe when the rent doesnt come and the leaves or pollen piles onto my car. Then someone will knock eventually.

I've see it before. I was the last one to see a man before he died. No one has ever tried to protext me from the horrors of this life.

I think I used to try and protect others. Now I am empty, too sad. The light drains out of my eyes day by day as I struggle and grasp at reasons not to fucking drive the car off the road.

I find love easily. I used to, i should say. Now I am older and trapped in a golden finely wrought cage known as society. Its near invisible bars will cut me if I try to break free. I am nothing. I deserve nothing. I don't care about leaving a mess anymore. I want to die. Like Ive been wanting for years but its more pressing now.

Im always cold, sort of as though I was already dead. I have an inherited auto immune disease that progresses over time. Its in my mind constantly. I will never really be well.

I can never have the things Ive always craved - love and a family. I am too broken, physically & spiritually. The only men I can stand to let near me anymore are the ones whom I know will hurt me. No one really gets too close. I guess they sense my sickness. If they dont at first glance, they find out soon after a conversation.

No one wants to know about how miserable I am. I know this and I compensate by being chipper. But I am broken and impatient and angry. So never quite chipper. Just an eager bitch. Easy to hate. Crazy. Always leaving. Never staying long enough to be rejected or to be considered.

I prefer that. I don't want anyone getting close enough to fucking see the brokenness . I sometimes let people see. They always leave. So i just hurt them or mostly ignore them now.

Tl;dr I want to die