I have a craving to feel special and have pity , i wish to have the worst of illnesses so i get more pity , i hate it , its soo awkward. Why? :(

For atleast 2 or 3 years i have felt this way , when i first discovered that i had ocd tendancies i remember feeling special or that people should pity me and it felt really good but bad and humiliating because i shouldnt be thinking this way and its a really bad condition so i shouldnt be wishing it upon myself , its like im mocking the illness.

I then wanted to get a diagnosis so it was solid and people would feel pity for me, then i wanted depression , wish and thou shall receive , i now have it (It is genuine , i am suicidal , self harm etc), i also discovered i might have alot of other disorders , that felt good but i hated it. Im soon seeing a psychologist but idk if i want to say this info since it reduces me "credibility" and it makes me feel so awkward , i also get these disturbing thoughts of me having sex with random people i see randomly , including family, i cant make them go away , this is another thing i dont want to say , im usually quite open but this is beyond the limit. I now want to become a schizo.

I have crippling self esteem but why does it manifest in this way or is it even at fault of this? how do i stop this , i just want to die but im too much of a pussy , its too scary but this is too scary aswell. It makes me think maybe all my issues are fake aswell. Ive hallucinated multiple times and when i did i felt terrified but afterwards it felt good because im slowly getting what part of me wants. I just fucking hate it , i hate to think what will be the next step after schizo if i ever reach that. I also get delusions.

This is one of my biggest secrets, i just feel weak at the thought of telling someone in the flesh this. I heard i should give me general info , im below 15 , Male , UK , i dont get triggered by anything that people write on here. Any help is useful , do any of you guys feel the same way? is there a name for this? how do i stop it? should i tell my therapist?

TL;DR I feel good at people pitying me and i always want to feel special , i day dream about being amazing and what others think about me when im like that , i have crippling self confidence but i dont understand why its like this. Its soo humiliating. I dont want to tell my therapist.