This is the hardest (no pun intended) thing I've ever done

Story time:

I have been on this forum for nearly a year now. When I first found out about it, so many things made sense to me. My first and only relationship was long and great. We broke up because of long distance which is just part of life it seems.

What happened after that? I became lonely and went to porn. It wasn't just porn though. It was something weirder, stranger in a way. I have an incredibly obscure fetish that actually didn't come from porn, but became stronger because of it. I would go on omegle and find strangers with the same common interest of this fetish and roleplay with them. I was essentially getting off to words. I did this for two years. I realized I would start to get turned on just by typing in omegle.com. Like my body was that trained and knew it was about to get some. This was before I found out about nofap.

What made this worse is that I would form relationships with these people. I had no clue what they looked like, if they were even females, but they made my fantasies come true. I could email them and I'd wait on them for hours, all day and night sometime, so that I could get an hour of roleplay time with them.

When I first found out about nofap, I had my longest streak. It was so easy at first. I got to that 20 day mark and then thought, "I can treat myself to a quick wank session." I went right on Skype, found one of my trusty roleplay partners, and did it again. And guess what happened? I fell back into that hole where every day I'd come home and find someone on omegle or someone in my email to roleplay with this. If I couldn't find anyone, I would just pull up porn.

This went on for a year. Where I'd have a five to ten day streak, and then go right back to it. I just couldn't get past that mark. I would do this thing, where I'd just say, "well you can roleplay and just not blow your load, and you'll be fine." And I'd do it, and of course that would lead to an orgasm.

Just this last weekend, I found this roleplay partner who said that she would do a roleplay for me, if I roleplayed for her as an alien sex goddess with tentacles for hair. I actually started doing it.

And then I looked around at myself, naked on a bed, I had seen these same walls for years and I wondered what they thought of me? If anyone saw me like this, they'd be horrified, they'd think I'm sick in the head. And I am.

What happened to myself? I used to have passionate romance with a girl that I loved. I used to be having sex. And this is what I've become? I was disgusted.

I deleted my kik, my skype, everything that left a remnant of these roleplays. I'm starting over again. This time, I cannot even look at these places.

What I'm trying to say is, if you really want to achieve your goal with nofap, you cannot rationalize the idea of just looking at porn. You cannot say to yourself, "I just need a little peek." You will lose. I have not won.

I am there with you. This is truly the hardest battle I've ever fought, but I need to win this. I cannot be this filth of a person that I've become. And truly with nofap, if I really stick with it, I think I can achieve my dreams. Even on those 20 day marks, I feel much happier, more alert, more confident, there are so many benefits. I can't imagine what it's like at 90 days. Fuck the superpower thing and just realize it's you becoming a normal human being again.

It sounds so cheesy telling your friends that you are not masturbating for months. Don't worry about them. I need this for myself. And you do too.

I hope this helped. I don't know, really needed to vent. This could just be garbage what I just wrote. I obviously haven't found success so who am I to tell you how to succeed. But there it is. Hope you got something out of it and good luck to all you fapstronauts out there. Just know you're not alone.