Feedback

So i would like some feed back on this letter i am putting together to send my mom to address some problems in our relationship in regards to her behavior and boundaries that she is not respecting.

If any one has few minutes and wouldn't mind reading and giving me some feed back that would be appreciated. Also if you have any questions or need some back story please let me know.

Thanks.

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Mom,

I’m putting this down in words because while I feel that it has been talked about i feel that it is not getting heard.

Anyways, you are my mom and you always will be and as such I will love you. However, sometime talking with you is painful and frustrating and it seems that it always the same topics over and over and they are topics I am not capable of talking about, topics I should not have to talk and topics I do not want to talk about.

I’m not your doctor, I’m not your psychologist, I’m not your friend, I’m your son.

I understand that you are in pain and that you are suffering from depression and anxiety and feeling alone. And I have been trying to help you. I have found doctors for you, I have found support groups for you, I have researched medications for you, I have listened to you talk. And that is all I can do I can’t do more.

I can’t keep listening to you talk about how your medication is not working. I can’t keep listening to talk about how you are unsure of what to do or what not to do or if you should take this or not take this. I do not have the answers. The people that do are the doctors and the other people that have been there. Not me.

I can’t keep listening to you talk about dementia or alzheimer's or other disease that you do not have.

I can’t keep listening to you talk about how you do not want to end up like grandma, how you do not want to be a burden to me.

I can’t keep listen to you talk about how you want to die and asking if I will be ok if something happens to you. In some ways you died a long time ago and I am doing just fine. Also if you keep this up I will call a welfare check on you.

I can’t keep listening to you talk about Dad or the divorce; i have made my peace with it. You need to. Despite what you seem to think it is not your fault and it is not a reflection on you on you or what you did or didn’t do. Regardless of the divorce you raised two amazing sons. You were and still are a good mom.

Also I cant keep listening to you talk about <name> and what he did to us or to you. He didn’t do anything to us or to you. What happened happened. You need to find peace with it. You need to move on.

I can’t keep having this conversations with you, if I want to have relationship with you there has to be some rules for when we talk and when you come over.

1. I do not want to talk about your medication. I do nott want to talk about if it is working or it is not. I do nott want to talk about what the side effects are or how they make you feel. Or what I should think you do. I really do nott know. The only time I want to hear about your medication is when it is working or you are feeling better because of it.

2. I do not want to talk about your anxiety and how sick it is making your feel. I have given you plenty or resource both conventional and not, to try and help you with this.

3. I do not want to talk about how you think you are getting dementia or alzheimer's

4. I do not know want to talk about how you feel lonely or alone all the time. I am not your friend. I am not responsible for you feeling happy or not alone.

5. I do not want to talk about my dad or the divorce, <name>, <name> or <name>.

6. I do not want to talk about <name> and what you think he did to you or us.

7. I do not want you to ever mention falling asleep at the wheel of my car.

8. I also do not want to talk about the car crash.

9. I do not want you to ask if I am looking for a new job or if I am looking for a job in San Diego. I have a job and am staying where I am.

10. I do not want to talk about <name> getting a job or going back to teaching. We have made the decision that she is going to focus on her artistic projects and her business for now.

11. I do not want to talk about or hear about how or why <name> does or doesn’t do that. During the week. What ever we have worked out is between us. And it is for us to deal with.

12. I do not want you to ask why I do not call. Or why I call from my cell phone. I will call you when I call. I will try to call at least once a week but I cannot guarantee that I will.

13. I do not want you to ask about coming over. We have invited you over before and we will do it again. But it will be on our terms and when we want.

14. I do not want to hear about <name> and his family unless it is something positive. I do not want to here about how you feel left out. If you feel that way you need to talk to Ken about it.

15. Please do not ask me to look up medication and its effects. You have library you can go to. If you need help finding resources on line I will point you in the right direction but I cant keep doing the work for you.

I hope that you can follow these rules. If not there will be consequences.

This first time will be a reminder.

The second time I will end the conversation. If we are on the phone I will hang up if we are out or you are over, I will leave or you will leave.

The third time I will go not contact for two weeks.

The fourth time three weeks.

The fifth time one month.

And this will be deliberate no contact not, no contact just because I am busy.

Anyways I hope this makes sense and I hope you understand where you I am coming from. You are my mom and I love you and always will, but I can keep having this relationship with you that way it is going.