Loneliness and a glimmer of hope.

I'm the sort of person that thrives, almost relies on physical contact and affection with people that I care for, especially in a romantic context. I also haven't had a serious relationship in almost a year and haven't so much as held hands with someone for half that amount of time, which has been really messing me up as far as being able to be happy goes.

This isn't to say that i'm never happy, because I have my bright moments, and thankfully they aren't completely linked to usage of substances (though it certainly does help.) But even if I am able to be happy, I haven't felt whole in a long time. No amount of weed or games will fill that, and perhaps it's a fatal flaw of mine, but I believe I rely on connections with other people (especially romantic connections) in order to achieve happiness.

I wound up digging my own grave in a way, though, regarding the whole lack of connection for 6+ months. The more time went on, the more i've been letting myself go. I've put on nearly 20 lbs in the last few months alone, I haven't shaved in weeks, etc. etc. In short, I look like absolute shit.

Maybe it's lady luck finally deciding to smile on me (i've always felt like an unlucky person) or maybe she sees something within me that I don't, but I have a wonderful, pretty, sharp and generally fun new friend who I feel myself developing more and more of an attraction to. She knows of this attraction I have toward her, and she's coming to my place in a few days. I'm nervous as hell, but also cautiously optimistic that maybe I can develop a connection to her beyond exchanging humor over the shitty math class that I met her in, and maybe this hole in my heart could be sewn closed.

It's getting late where I live. I'm going to go to bed and probably dream of her now.