So tired...

I'm sitting in a hotel room 300 miles from home the night before my 2nd attempt at my engineering licensing exam. I have already failed once, i will likely fail tomorrow (but wont get the result for a month). My company is failing/being taken over and passing this exam would increase my ability to retain my job & continue to pay my mortgage.

I'm at a low point right now teetering on the edge of a cliff. I feel the call of the abyss. 1 year 11 months ago I took out a life insurance plan with a 2 year suicide clause to ensure that my wife could pay off our house, car & credit cards.

I frittered away my teens trying to get into a good college...I wasted my 20s working full time & putting myself through night school, I'm half way through my 30s and I cannot pass these exams.

My wife & I are out of time when it comes to having kids, we cannot afford them and I wouldn't want to saddle them with depression via my genes. Last year we terminated a pregnancy for financial reasons. It has weighed heavily on me. I think of the daughter we ended because I could not provide for my family as it was.

There is no point to this existence. Best case scenario we work for starvation wages to make other people rich. The only dreams I have for the future are a future without me.

I just wanted to write these things down to get them out of my head. I won't do anything, at least not till I can guarantee that Allstate will pay out...