The end of happiness? My chaotic whining.

I suck at English, This is my third language. So bear that in mind.

Summary-I can't feel anything but sadness and urge to kill myself. I am depressed since I was pronounced dead at age 12. I never had real friends, and I'm a bad 25 year old guy.

Hello everybody. I know, there are tons of posts like this, but I just need to speak out! My depression began at the day I died! I was 12 years old and my heart stopped because of a flue! After that time, I was no longer the happy me that I was before. I still had fun, but it was getting gloomier with each day! at that time I started drawing. It brought me joy and I was pretty damn good at it! some years passed and I started having suicidal thoughts. I knew the hormones were at fault and I just suck it up and just go on with my life. at 16 I started playing guitar and bass. This got me into several bands, mostly metalcore(shitty, I know) I used to scream in them, wrote lyrics and played bass. I wasn't that good, but I was happy doing it! But bands broke up, so I drifted, mastering my instruments. I kept drawing and playing. Started building guitars, made a few, and put it aside! Depression was always present, but I kinda pushed it behind me, waiting for hormones to balance out! In the meantime, I was crying myself to sleep every day. I was scared and wanted to never wake up. At that time, I started "dating" some girls, to maybe fill the void inside, but it never happened. I was too shy and closed to keep up the relationship and these relationships were 2 months max.

I finished school, and was forced by my parents to get into university, learning something. The things I was interested were art and music. my country is rather small, and there aren't so many universities that teach these things! one is art academy, but I was too bad to get into it, so I went to study graphic design, full of enthusiasm. But as I quickly understood, design is not what I thought it was. So I started doubting my choice. 2 horrible years passed, and my parents had no more money to pay for it. so I started working at a terrible low paying job as a moderator on a social network, where I had to dig into human dirt(murder, suicide, cp, animal torture...anything you can imagine, I saw it). as I had to study and work full time with 3-4 hours of sleep, I started going crazy. Had huge breakdowns. When I had no more power to do anything, I had to take a break from studies and maybe get some money to pay for it later. a year goes by. and I still could barely buy food to survive and helping my parents. the job was hard, but payed almost nothing. for the last 3 years I studied and postnoted my studies again and again. and at this time, I no longer want or know anything. I have no idea how to continue. As I started university, my drawing and music stood still. I lost every bit of creativity I had. I haven't painted in 6 years now. But every time I'm starting, I get nowhere.

In grade 11th I had a crush on a girl, will call her K, and we dated a few months, then she dumped me, but gave me hope that we'll be together sometime soon. this went on for 4 years and she was an emotional "vampire". she gave me hopes and then crushed them. it was my stupidity. I tried pleasing her every way I could, I tried everything I could, but it was always not enough. but she was like a drug. I even stole some money from my parents(replaced it all and now I pay them for living). then I met her best friend L and she helped me get over K. We had a lot of in-common and we kinda bonded over music. One day we were at my place, and one thing went to another and we kinda had sex(she was in a relationship). this was the day I've lost my virginity(she wanted to had sex, I just went along). I was 23. and... I felt nothing. She is very attractive girl. But I felt nothing. no pleasure whatsoever. we had sex for a few more times. and then she was gone. now I'm dating a girl, but 2 years later, I still can't feel anything. and I think sex is just a waste of time. since I can't finish, we have it for 2 hours straight. we're best friends. and she is the best person I ever met, but I'm afraid I will never be able to feel what she feels. I can't feel anything anymore. I just kinda exist.

the last straw was this weekend! since I like playing all kind of instruments, I decided, maybe if I'll go and play some drums, I will get that feeling I used to get back in the days. it's hard to explain it! but it was like a drug. after a 3 hours of playing to my favorite songs I came out and... nothing!

I only feel the need to end it all. it-as in my life. what's the point of living if you can't do anything good? you can't feel happy. you can't make anyone proud of yourself.

I work as a designer, making graphics for online casinos. so I'm the reason why people lose homes... still making almost minimum wage for my country(which is ridiculously low). I feel absolutely useless. I feel sad and want to jump from a tall building, but I can't make that step. I'm a coward and care a lot about my parents and my girlfriend. they will be devastated. but I can no longer live like this. I want to make it all go away. every day I hope my buss will be hit by a bulldozer and I will be the only victim. I don't know what to do. maybe I should try using some drugs to feel anything? alcohol makes things worse. I cry a lot and that's it.

as for friends, I never had any real ones. only people I was "friends" with by seeing them for 6-8 hours a day and I can't tell my girlfriend everything. it's 3 am, and I'm here, writing this... don't know why. it will not fix anything... I just had to do it. there's chaos in my head. I just thought this will be therapeutic.