Ma Hubbard and the Secret

Initially my plan was to start with a series of stories describing Ma Hubbard's relationship (hurrr) with the boyfriends I've had. But this morning, I suddenly remembered a story from my teen years I had to share.

Cast:
Ma Hubbard - Has nine kids (or eight, as of this story). Kind of a bitch. Also a huge gossip and shameless drama-llama.
Me - MouseFarts. Basically the black sheep of the family, as I renounced religion, date other girls sometimes, and play with tarot cards.
NEW CHARACTER!
Lovestruck - my first cousin. His mom is Ma Hubbard's older sister.

Late summer after I graduated high school, I came into possession of a sEcReT. Lovestruck had spent the last year in a secret, emotionally abusive relationship, telling absolutely no one. It ended badly, as these things do. To my eternal surprise, Lovestruck came to me, of all people, for emotional support. So that summer I was his sounding board and the one telling him that no seriously, bro, lady was a creep. His trust meant the world to me; I was the only person besides his parents and his best friend who knew, and the only one he talked to about his feelings (teenage boys, amirite?). His parents had found out when he quit functioning post-breakup, so I could express concerns I had to his mom ("Lovestruck is saying X worrying thing, I think he should be talking to a professional maybe, also have you considered pressing stalking charges against this woman?"). This is important, because while I had promised not to tell anyone who didn't already know, I also wasn't accustomed to it being a complete unknown (I spent that summer staying with my aunt's family in their summer home).

One day, I accidentally let something slip in front of my mom. It wasn't a huge slip, just a "yeah, Lovestruck's been pretty down with that whole thing with - shit. Wow, look at those shoes."

Ma's nose twitched. What was that smell? Could it be...DRAAAAMA???

"No go back. What was that you were saying?"

I cringed a little. "I'm really sorry, Ma, I didn't mean to say that. It's not my story to tell. I promised."

"No, you have to now! You started! You've practically already told me, so it doesn't matter if you finish. You have to!"

"Yeah, I can see where you'd be frustrated, but I really can't. Can we drop it?"

Ma Hubbard is not accustomed to not getting her way. She was starting to get angry. "But you can't do that! You have to tell me!"

"Seriously, I really can't. Hey, looks like Sbarro's is giving out samples, let's go - "

"YOU CAN'T DO THAT. That is CRUEL TO ME! You KNOW I'm curious! What am I supposed to do? This is going to kill me! Everyone knows once you start you have to finish! Normal people just finish telling the story!"

"Look, Ma, I screwed up. I shouldn't have said that. But I'm not going to make it worse by blurting out something that is not my place to tell. You're being a jerk."

Well. The anger had not worked. Time for the waterworks. And the whining. Good lord, the whining.

"Whyyyyyy? I wouldn't teeeeell, I prooooooomise! You knoooooooow I wouldn't!" Her voice started to break, and tears appeared in her eyes; she got progressively shriller as the fake tears wore off and the anger started showing through again. "How could you do this to me? I thought we were so close. I thought you loved me. What happened to you? You used to TRUST me! You used to tell me EVERYTHING! ARE YOU ON DRUGS? ARE YOU HAVING SEX?"

"God, Ma, Jesus no. Would you stop? We're in the middle of the mall. People are staring - "

"LET THEM STARE! I WANT THEM TO SEEEEEE! WHAT DO I CARE WHAT THEY THINK? THEY SHOULD KNOW WHAT AN UNGRATEFUL, SELFISH DAUGHTER YOU ARE! That's what you are, you're selfish! Only a horrible, selfish person would do this to me!"

And then she threatened to leave me at the mall if I wouldn't tell. When I still didn't break, she just yelled at me all the way home, cried, and refused to talk to me for three days.

ETA: I forgot the part where she tried to tell me that I was endangering my cousin by not telling her. What if she needed to intervene? What if Lovestruck needed help? How could I possibly know if he had enough support? She was an adult and I was just a teenager; how could I think I was qualified to decide whether to keep a secret? WHAT IF HE KILLED HIMSELF? HOW WOULD I FEEL THEN? When I explained that his parents were aware and monitoring the situation, the waterworks started again: "you mean HIS parents know and I DON'T? HE trusts HIS parents, but you can't tell ME? Lovestruck knows I love him, I know he wouldn't mind!"

PS. I actually talked to my cousin. I explained what had happened, and apologized profusely for my error. He said I could tell her if it would shut her up; he didn't care. So about two weeks after this whole debacle, I took her aside. "Hey guess what Ma! I spoke to Lovestruck, and he gave me permission to tell you what happened now!"

"Oh, that? His mom already told me. I don't know why you were being so dramatic about it, it wasn't a big deal."