Parenting myself...

I cried today. I cried for the lonely little girl inside of me. I'm not as lonely as I used to be, but that little girl is still in me.
I had a family. I thought I had everything. But I was so incredibly lonely. I never felt like I could tell anyone anything. Nobody ever told me that I was selfish to hurt or have feelings, but I felt that way anyway. And it occurs to me...why didn't they ask? Is that crazy? How can someone know they need to ask? I don't know. I'm confused.
I just know that I needed people to talk to and there was no one. And I kept all my hurt inside.
There was one time when I was thirteen when my parents were away from home and something happened at home that was horrible--a few of our pets died. We talked to our Ndad on the phone, but for days, our Emom never got on the phone. It scared the hell out of me. I found out later that it was because she feels like she doesn't know what to say and can't comfort us...she thinks our Ndad is the one who is good at that. I think he made her feel that way. To this day, that memory scares and hurts me. I needed my mom and she wasn't there. I was afraid something had happened to her and my dad just didn't want to tell us.
And I wonder...why didn't I ask to talk to her? I know why. Because I always felt like I shouldn't ask for more than I was given. I didn't want to hurt anyone or question anyone. I didn't want to bother anyone.

When I was a teenager, I wrote songs for my parents and I don't even know why. I never shared them with them. And yet I think I wrote them because I wanted their approval. But then I didn't share them... Maybe I was afraid of them not caring or rejecting or...I don't know.

But now when I look back, I realize that what I wrote in those songs wasn't even true. Sure, parts of them were. But...I don't feel like my mom was there for me. And I never saw my dad as my hero. Maybe I wrote what I wanted them to be. Funny thing is that I wrote a song for my cat near that same time. Everything in that song was true. I think sometimes she was a better parent to me than my parents were...even though she was my baby.

I'm really going off here.... Anyway, I've been trying to figure out how to mother/father/parent myself. I think that's the way to heal. To treat myself well now and to rewrite my memories to make them what I need them to be. Not that I would ever actually forget the truth of them, but to be able to hear or feel what I needed. It's hard to know sometimes, though...what did I need? How do I know what a good parent is supposed to be when I've never had one?
I think I know...I know how to love. It's in me somewhere how to be a good parent to myself.