Dark souls 3's plot in a nutshell

Some asshole killed a bunch of dragons and then tricked a bunch of zombies into holding an annual competition to see who can stay on fire the longest, to ensure that nobody could get mad at him for not participating he participated in, and won the very first of these contests, giving the zombies now under his absolute control the middle finger while he soaked himself in estus and undead bitches and lit the match. Now everybody follows his example, nobody knows why, he wasn't a very nice guy to begin with and sorta shafted everyone, but he had a lot of swag so it doesn't really seem to matter.

some of the contestants dropped out, most can't even make it to the furnace where the winner has to set himself on fire, one asshole in particular set a zwiehander on fire, donned a mask and began running around and cutting everybody's dicks off, everybody hated that guy but it was pretty funny when you weren't on the receiving end.

Usually some random lady would act as the referee, the contestants all loved these women because they had a tendency to dote on virtually all them.

the contest was very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very hard.

also, you had to set yourself on fire at the end in order to "win" though some people decided to drop out right at the end in order to make a statement about how cool they were.

I mean, the abyss IS pretty damned cold.

anyway, the last competition is about ready to begin and everything is a mess. the dragons came back to life, that one guy we all liked is nowhere to be seen and onionbro doesn't seem to be himself. apparently somebody didn't set themselves on fire long enough, reality is warped, a bunch of turtle pilgrims are busy dying, hot chicks from some extremely cold place and their manslaves are randomly tripping up some of the other contestants and the general consensus is that the contest has changed. the contestants who won are back too for some stupid reason, we keep asking them to try again but they're tired of winning, so one guy was asked very nicely to take a greatsword and politely "ask" them to light themselves on fire again, after all it's a time honored tradition!

Now it's not a contest to see who can light themselves on fire the longest, it's a contest to see who can bring back the five contestants who didn't keep themselves on fire long enough and light them on fire by force. not quite what the asshole had in mind, but it's not like he matters anymore anyway, right?

the problem is, this contest is way harder than the last one, and more importantly, the boreal valley chicks aren't making this any easier on the men, hell one of them is practically begging us to kill the referee chick this time around, AND SOME OF THE CONTESTANTS ARE ACTUALLY DOING IT!!!

seriously, shit's whack.