HELP, I need support.

I go back and forth about what I hate the most in my life so today Im making an effort to try to figure it out.

Since I was around 10 i remember hating my life, it all stemmed from seeing my parents argue all the time and being physically and verbally abused by my mother, I thought she was evil and I hated her. I wrote book upon books about how I would kill her and how I would kill myself.. this continued throughout my high school days and it never got better.

I started dating this guy at the end of high school and thought he was perfect, he was older than me and I loved it. Unfortunately I was young and dumb and I cheated on him.. he found out and started using me in every way possible. He would punch me in the face, force me to come by his house at 3am in the morning if he was horny or he would release naked pictures of me if I didn't listen to him... I wasn't sure how to get out of it but I cried myself to sleep every night and cried during the sex.. no one really knows what I went through but I was very depressed.. for some reason he decided to forgive me and said we would start over and start a brand new fresh relationship I agreed.. but after so much abuse from him and black mailing I decided one day that I couldn't take it anymore and I broke up with him..

moving forward to college days, I became a hard ass, no one could talk to me or hurt me in anyway possible. Many tried but I was invincible.. 3 years ago my brother was brutally murdered and it really got to me, I wasnt that close to him but after his death it was the closest we've ever been, I'm not sure how to explain it but I always felt like he was talking to me and I felt like I needed to continue living his life for him. I was 21 when he died and I could no longer sleep at home alone or sleep in a room alone... I've now gotten to a point where I can sleep in my own bed again but the death thoughts still haunt me from day to day.. I couldn't fully finish my degree but I was the only one in my family to ever go to college so I felt like I needed to push through, I failed almost every single course I took after my brother died but no one really knew.

Skipping forward to now, I'm currently dating a guy who has a girlfriend which they have a 1 year old child. I love him and I love our chemistry I feel like he's my soulmate. Unfortunately he is still in love with the girlfriend and feels obligated to stay with her since they have a child and they have been together for 5 years. Also, all my closest friends have decided to end our friendship because I'm so different, they don't understand me and think I'm too emotional and I'm filled with drama.

Soon... I'm here to talk and let it out because I think I need help, all I can do nowadays is cry, think about killing myself and smoke weed.. which is know is wrong but I have no one to talk to, since the man Im dating is trying to figure out if he wants me or he wants the mother of his child... my mother is a monster so I can't talk to her and the one friend I have is also suffering from depression.. she actually told me to try this.. so lets see.. HELP, I need the support.