My brothers are ruining my life, and nobody will help.

Throwaway Account (They're redditors too)

I got my drivers license today. It should be a large milestone in my life, I should be filled with a sense of accomplishment, and be able to cherish this memory. But I can't. You see, I have two very big problems in my home life, let's call them "Tim" and "Tom". They are both my brothers who still live at home. I am 17, Tim is 21 and Tom is 25. The years they should have been looking for work and homes elsewhere, they spent in the basement, smoking pot and yelling at each other.

My Mom is in denial, and refuses me when I try to talk about it with her. I ask her if maybe I could go see a therapist. She's been "Looking into it" for three months, without doing anything. My dad would be able to help, if he wasn't struggling with colon cancer and chronic kidney pain, being gorged of money by my mom in child support to use on tim and tom, and on top of that the only house he could find is two towns over, and I could only see him every other weekend. So the one with the power, my mom, can't handle the idea of getting the two monsters out of the house.

"How monstrous could they be?" You might ask. Well that 3 am yelling they do? It's under the thin floor of my room and keeps me up at night. My two adorable nephews which I only wish the best for, both around 4 years old, are whispered death threats by Tom on their "visits to grandma's" while grandma(my mom) doesn't do SHIT about it. Tom is the worst, but Tim is always there to provoke him. Tom also has this horrible stutter that rings through the house every time he rants. But Tim, he claims he's sticking around for my sake, and sees himself as my father figure. MY FATHER IS MY FATHER FIGURE. But he, and my mom, don't see it that way.

One day, I asked my mom if I could stay with my dad for the summer, but she couldn't handle to see me leave, and immediately threatened legal action if I ever go through with it. I've been dealing with this chaos since I was 11 years old. I'm 17 now, finding it difficult to find a job, and every day I'm without one I feel more like I'm a Tim or a Tom. Every day without a job is one more day I'm trapped here in the future. I feel my hole getting deeper and darker. I want my innocence back. I want my childhood back. I want to be happy again.

I haven't felt true happiness in 6 years. My emotions feel distant, I feel more then sad. I feel nothing but sadness. It could be followed by a laugh and a smile, but I'm hollow on the inside. My memory is getting worse, and my sense of wonder is gone. While there are places I haven't explored, food I haven't tasted, wonderful people I haven't met, I can't see myself in that future. I'm a bear in a beartrap, my mom is the chains and my brothers are the clamps. I can't see myself looking back on this day fondly, or memories to make. I can't share with my friends, they'll call the authorities. I can't share with my dad because my mom listens in on our conversations. I can't share with my therapist because I'm not "allowed" to have one. I can only find solace in eating, and from it I have an eating disorder, and am overweight.

I feel nothing. My life is just a series of events I watch play out, I have no real part in it. I've got a double chin, bucktooth grin, dark-circled tired eyes, and man boobs. I look atrocious, and have no hope of finding a girlfriend I could share these feelings with. I'm in this deep dark hole and nobody can hear me.

I thought that if I can't get someone in my real life to listen to me, maybe you guys can. If even one person acknowledges this post's existence, maybe that could be a form of therapy for me. Or this post will get buried, and I'll just have to find another way to revive my inner child again. Either way, I'm in a bad spot, and I can't get out. Thank you to whoever decided I was worth reading about, and I hope maybe I've helped you in some way. Again, thank you for reading.