Social Fallout

So, I know I've been posting a lot but this sub has been really helpful. Thank you!

Monday I changed the locks and went and found a therapist. Tuesday he wanted to come by and get scrubs but I hadn't told him that I had changed the locks. He didn't respond favorably. Told me he should have called the cops . His name is on the lease. I told him that after having threatened me multiple times and breaking stuff, I didn't feel comfortable with him in the house without me. Also, I wanted a safe place. He can go out To stay with his parents. I have no where to go. I mean, I could stay with friends but that leads up to my question.

We made a lot of friends as a couple and people love us together. The good is very good with him, and he is so doting in public that I have been afraid to confess what actually goes on because it sounds crazy. Alex did what? Nooooooo. Even describing it to myself it sounds crazy, why did I put up with this? Why did I try so hard to make it look like we were this happy couple? Every super cute picture on Facebook has a memory of a fight right before or after.

My Therapist has encouraged me to talk about it and come to terms with the fact that I am suffering from a long term trauma, and that what he did was abuse. I hate that word, and I hate to think that I succumbed to it.

But I don't know what to say when people ask how I am or why we split up. My co workers and friends I tell the truth to, but what about friends that met us a couple? It's even worse that his whole toxic family and BPD mom (good lord, I thought things were off with her since day 1, but thanks to this sub and all the research on the web, it's pretty obvious that she's got some serious BPD tendencies.) think that I'm over reacting. And he is going to paint me as the crazy one. Which, I know, stupid pride, it shouldn't matter. Even to the point of making me doubt myself. was changing the locks really necessary? He never hit me, just threatened to, and threw things occasionally.

Mostly I was worried about my dog. That he might take her. ( he has before, 'forgetting' that I had class with her or that I just like to see my dog after work.) I got her when we were going through a rough patch and made it clear that training her and being with her were a priority to me. Which, during certain episodes, became a point of contention for him. Also, I didn't want to come home and find him there.

When friends ask what happened, what can I tell? What is too much? In particular are a group of friends from a festival that we had planned to go to together. I don't want to cancel but i don't want to camp with him. When he asked what we were going to do about it, I said, "well, your parents will be there, you can camp with them," because I am new to festivals and don't want to camp with strangers. He scoffed, "oh, so you're just kicking me out of camp?" I said that it wasn't my camp and I didn't have any control over what happened.

He also said, "I can't fucking believe you changed the locks. I should have kicked the fucking door down," to which I replied, "well now you're just proving my point."

I'm so broken right now. I miss him and know that it's for the best. I feel free at the same time. Navigating my emotional highs and lows right now is just as exhausting as navigating his was. I keep having to remind myself that he wasn't happy, he wanted to leave , at least he kept saying he did. Nothing excuses the things he said to me. Nobody should put up with the tantrums and the abuse.

But, fuck.

Fuck.