Day 4: A few observations

Hey. Sorry for posting twice in a day, this is just more for me to reflect on some things. Because right now, I really really want to drink. And I can. I have a half an hour to get to the liquor store, or can just go buy beer or wine. So I'm going to list the things in the last 4 days I've seen improve in myself.

1. My apartment is cleaner. I came home today, and forgot completely that I spent last night cleaning. My bathroom sink isn't covered in hair, my toilet didn't have vomit stains on it. There wasn't beer cans or old food (or fucking bottles of piss...) anywhere. Is my apartment spotless? No, the pile of dishes is still sky high, the floor needs a sweeping for the umpteenth time, and there's clutter. But it's still clean.

2. I've exercised twice this week. That's not a lot, but normally if I am drinking I don't at all. I don't feel any change fitness wise but my upper body's a bit sore. Which is good, I think.

3. I can focus at work better. Not extremely well, and still in meetings I can't pay attention for more than 30 seconds. But today someone asked me to do him something that he thought would take me hours, and I knocked it out in under one. And I've been taking a bit more responsibility in the projects we've been working on.

4. I'm still exhausted, but I'm not dead. I used to just feel dead until my next drinking session made me feel numb. Just sat hungover, miserable. I still can't sleep, but I can be a functioning adult.

5. I'm eating more, but eating better. Not amazing, I had McDonalds for dinner yesterday. But I didn't have a giant bag of chips as a late night snack. Instead I had celery and hummus. I'd down a family size bag some nights while piss drunk and then vomit it instead of eating an actual good meal.

6. I actually organized a sober hangout today. Normally on Thursdays I drink. I go to a happy hour and then slam a bottle of vodka. And I want to do that. Instead, I asked some of my friends who drink not as much (one not at all, one rarely, and one has like a beer with dinner) to play Settlers of Catan, Sea Farers. Lots of times I'll bring a 6 pack and get drunk during it, but not tonight! Also won :)

7. On top of that, I am going out of my way to schedule things to force me to get sober. I am volunteering this weekend and have to be there at 9:00 AM. This means I unfortunately have to miss the weekly brunch, where I drink a ton of mimosas and then go home and get more sloshed. Also don't want to be hung over for that.

So yea, on my 4th day sober and things are...better. I still really want to drink though. Like really badly. I'm making myself not leave my apartment for anything (I kind of want to walk and I need groceries) until 9:00, when the liquor store closes. And I feel like this will always be a part of me, this want to drink. But I rather fight this than be who I was last weekend.