my (25/f) husband (25/m), married two years, together for four, has become increasingly agitated about everything. not sure what to do.

I'm not really sure what to do.

I've been trying to compile a list of sorts of the things that have been bothering me/ I feel have become problematic in my relationship with my husband. We've been together for four years, married for two.

Our communication has not been very great recently, to start off. I don't feel like I can be open and honest about our relationship, my feelings, etc. He gets defensive very quickly, and doesn't seem to really listen with an open mind/ heart to where I'm coming from. I try to listen to his point of view, but he tends to not share how things make him feel, or his awareness of situations in the "big picture", if that makes sense. His communication, if he feels something is wrong, tends to err on the side of blaming me for situations, or for how he feels, and saying things like 'how I am' as a person brings up all of these 'issues' in our life. Like insinuating that I'm 'too relaxed' about a lot of stuff, or don't care, so he has to worry/ deal with them. Which I don't think is 100% true. He is just way more picky about many things, whereas I'm okay with the status quo for what I think are inconsequential things.

We have had open, empathetic communication some times in the past, but more often than not, we don't have effective communication. I'm sure it may be stress-related. but there has been way too much name-calling, yelling, impatience, and what I think is unhealthy behavior, and it's really just taking a toll on me.

I don't feel free to be myself, to relax and enjoy my time in my own place. I feel like any moment I'm going to do something wrong or not up to his 'standards', which will cause a sudden eruption of anger on his part, and if I try to explain my reasoning for doing whatever it was I was doing, he just seems to think there is no other right way to do things but his way. This is then followed by anger, calling me names, etc.

I really try to be empathetic towards him and have patience, because I know those are some ways to distance myself from feeling personally attacked, and maybe try to make things better.. but I honestly just don't know how to do it anymore.. either I'm not as good at it as I should be, or it's not working. As soon as he becomes angry, I just shut down, dissociate myself from the situation, and try to remain as calm as I can. I just wait for it to be over. I try to not let the names effect me, let it roll off my shoulder. But how much name-calling can someone take before they just decide to not deal with said person anymore? I ask him to not call me names, it bothers me, but he'll say things like, "you shouldn't be so sensitive, anything I say when I'm angry I don't really mean, you don't think I really mean you're a bitch if I call you that when I'm angry?" my reaction is like, UH no. I get saying something you don't really mean if it only happens once, and you're apologetic about it, and it doesn't happen anymore - but it's really hard for me to believe you don't mean it when you say it three times a week when you're agitated about something.

Right now I'm at this point where I'm losing any empathy I have for him, I'm distancing myself emotionally - even physically as much as I can, and we barely talk anymore.

I just don't know what to do. I wish I could get away from him right now, I know I would feel more at peace, and so much happier. But making that step is way harder than it seems. I'm also scared that if I say this sincerely to him, he will become enraged and harm something; cause damage to the apartment, my stuff, the car if we're near it at the time, or hurt me.

He has what I think is uncontrollable anger. He's put us, and others, in danger way way way too many times. He gets road rage and incredibly angry over really minor things which I don't think is healthy, and he'll drive really recklessly to the point where I'm so scared/upset with him, i wait for him to come to a stop so I can jump out of the car. He'll scream at the top of his lungs, almost hit pedestrians by driving too fast/ recklessly, etc etc. I absolutely hate riding in the car with him to go anywhere. Him having to stop at a red light when he thought it would stay green causes an outburst. Again and again and again. It's like these really seemingly meaningless things that set him off. And I try to calm him down and not let the anger effect me, but being around someone who is constantly putting out this negative energy and endangering my life is really really exhausting!

I don't even know how to broach this topic with him. How can I communicate what I've been feeling sincerely, and stand my ground, and tell him that I feel like his behavior is becoming really unhealthy? And making me feel shitty? Is there a way I can do this without making him get defensive and try to turn it around on me?

tl;dr: my husband is becoming really agitated and angry over what I think are small, inconsequential things. I think it's unhealthy to be as angry as he is, he's put us in danger and drives recklessly, calls me names when he's angry, and I'm not sure how to talk to him about it without him becoming defensive/ harmful. Any advice on what I can do?