I just can't seem to find normal...

I ended a relationship of 5 years about a year ago. And since then I can not seem to form a real relationship. I am too depressed to even talk to my friends, partly because I've sort of exhausted all my friendships. I'm starting to strain relationships with my family because I just can't pull myself out of it. I don't want to talk to anyone about it because I just feel like I'm digging myself into a bigger hole.

Last night I went out with a girl, but she suddenly left rather early. I didn't feel like anything went particularly bad, and it seemed like she had some work to do, so I can't really fault her and I shouldn't get in my head about it. But it was early so I went out for a drink, and a bar I frequent, quite often. The bartender who I know there I think noticed I was upset when I left and as I was leaving she gave me a little hug and kinda gave me a chin up expression. (Literally just said 仕事頑張ってね。) but she looked at me as though she saw how much pain I was in and it made me feel embarrassed. I'm embarrassed by how much I feel constantly crushed and increasingly worthless. I don't want to feel this way anymore about anything... I just want to feel OK. I just want to feel normal. I want to go out to dinner and not worry about if I'm over doing it with my budget for the month. I want to be able to form a relationship and not feel like I'm grasping for air.

How do I just feel normal when I can't feel like I can get help from anybody. I'm really being careful to not burn my bridges... But I'm really getting tired... I'm not suicidal either... but just really really tired....