I have decided life is NOT worth living

This will be a very long post. I have really no idea how to sum it up in short so if you are crunched for time you may want to stop here.

I have to begin my story from the beginning so you understand my decision to end my life.

AGES 1-6

As expected of this time frame I do not remember very much and that is probably a good thing. I was beaten, raped and tortured by my parents during these years. What few memories I do have come in the form of nightmares and crippling flashbacks. The worst flashback being of the night my biological mother called the cops and ended it all. My dad was beating my little sister(age 5, I was 6) on the landing of our steps I jumped on top of her to save her from him and my dad started beating me. The beating seem to last forever. The last thing I remember of that night was me getting beaten with blood on my face my mom screaming and running for the phone. The next thing I remember is my mom giving me to a social worker.

Ages6-8-Foster Care

In the beginning I had to do alot of therapy. I was on anxiety medication and anti depressants as young as 7 years old. With that said it made me a difficult child to foster. In the beginning they tried keeping my sister and I in foster care together while we were up for adoption but soon my sister was adopted and I was left alone switching homes every couple of months trying to make friends in school but failing because I was never there long enough. I was forced to see a therapist weekly and my case worker monthly. Being up for adoption is a shitty experience. Especially when you don't really remember why your parents are gone (trauma caused me to lose those memories) but basically even time a family wants to look at you you go stay with them for a weekend. This happened several times but I was always sent back time after time. My case worker kept telling me to act happy and try to smile. So I did. I would be myself throughout the week. The drugged up 7 year old boy that no one wanted. But once the weekend hit I would be carefree and happy. I put on my audition personality. When you are seven years old and have to audition for a family to love you it messes with your whole way of thinking. But Not too long after that I was adopted...

Ages 8-17

These years are hard for everyone in there own way. But for me I had an identity crisis going on. I was relieved to be out the foster system but my family had never seen the real me so I kept pretending to always be happy. Granted there were breaks in this fake demeanor. I was holding in alot of anger and sadness. Every once in awhile it got out. I had fights at school, I would get in fights with my brother alot. I was 10 months younger than him and we were raised in a very tight knit religious community so we had the same group of friends. He would constantly belittle me and bully me in front of our friends to be cool so I would hit him then I would get in trouble. After one such occasion my parents told me that they didn't even want another kid but my brother was lonely and my new adopted mom couldn't have any more children so they had to adopt me because I was the only one in his age group. Yes...my mother bought me as a play toy for her son. Don't get me wrong though I was always cared for. My parent are well off we went on vacations and out to eat alot I wasn't being abused but I was still asked to do anything and everything with my brother. This continued all the way into highschool... around the age of 13 my parents filled me in on what heppened in my childhood triggering many flashbacks and nightmares. Somewhere between 8-16 I was taken off anti depressants and anti anxiety medication but at the age of 15 I knew I was suffering from severe depression when I couldn't stop thinking about hanging myself in my closet. I knew I was depressed but I couldn't tell my parents because I still had my audition face on. They couldn't see the real me because they would try to send me back to foster care so I his it and I hid it so well in fact no one in my family knew until two weeks ago (I'm 22 currently)

Ages 16-19 Girls and marriage

Girls were always a very touchy subject in my family because we were forced to only date from our religion so the pool of girls was very small and both my brother and I would constantly be eyeing the same girl but eventually I found a girl I liked and we started talking. We had been dating for around 2 months (sex is highly forbidden pretty marriage so none of that) when she broke up with me. No big deal normally but it wasn't that she broke up with me it was HOW. My brother texted me and told me that he was now dating her. She never said a word before then and all she could say now is that she was sorry. This DESTROYED any confidence I had in my 16 year old self and became even more depressed and dated any girl that looked at me including the original girls cousin. All of this lasted 1 year. Then I met her. I met the 1. She lived an hour away though. When I was with her all my past problems went away. I drove to her every weekend to spend time with her. My depression seemed to fade around her. We dated for 2 years before I proposed and we got married in November 2012. The marriage put alot of stress on us and when i moved oyt was forced to stop talking to my family because my mother had called my wife every dirty name under the sun.

At this time I was working at a warehouse barely making more than minimum wage and age moved to my town and was lucky enough of get offered a job by one of the people in the church as a secretary for his business. The man was the father of my original girlfriend who had long ago dumped my brother. Because of this my family hated them but I silently rejoiced in the pain she caused my brother

19-22 married life

At first it was great we were happy and ended up getting a house. Then the situation at my job changed so I had to find a new job fast. I was offered a technician job at the same company my wife worked at. So I now work for my ex girlfriends dad with my ex girlfriend and my current wife and I'm still not talking to my parents. After awhile the stress and reality of life set in and I became very very depressed. This time however I didn't notice. I lost interest in my wife, hung around friends to try and enjoy myself but nothing seemed to work. I ended up throwing myself into video games because I could disconnect from real life this way. This caused a huge problem for me and my wife as it should of. I was being a horrible husband. And after 2 years of neglect she left while I was at work 1 day. I chased after her and got her back under the condition that we move to her original town and I spend more time with her. So when she came back I decided I would change and I have for the last year. I have tried so hard to show her the love and affection she deserves. But it wasn't enough she told me a month ago she doesn't love me any more and 2 weeks later moved to her hometown. She said she doesn't know if she wants a divorce she needs time to think.

So here I am now in limbo waiting for the only person who has ever made me truly a happy person to decide if she wants me in her life. She won't see me. She won't talk to me. She blames it all on me and she is right. I robbed her of the marriage she deserves and now she doesn't want me. Nobody in life wants me. My original parents, my adopted parents, and now my wife. All the people who's love is supposed to be unconditional. I have let depression take all of them away from me. I have given up. Now my depression is going to take its last victim. I told my parents I was thinking about it and they made me go gets meds but I'm still determined. I kinda told my wife and she just tried guilt tripping me out of it so here I am. Set to take my life in an hour. Not only to stop my pain. But so I only hurt those around me 1 more time. This way I can't continuously hurt them like I have been. I don't know why I typed this all out but I needed someone to read this to understand that my whole life has been me pretending to be someone I'm not. But now I can be exactly who I want. And in my final moments I know I will never hurt anyone again