I helped drive a gay teen to suicide.

[Remorse]

I lived in a flat with a few friends when I was in my early 20s about 6 years ago. Our place was a flop house/drug den, huge groups of people were always there drinking and smoking.

My flatmates leased out our spare room to this 17 year old kid. He was a massive dude with a baby face and the stereotypical gay voice, lisp and all. He was gentle and polite. I knew he was going to get eaten alive by the macho cunts who hung out at my place.

They terrorised him. He became the butt of every joke. I called him "Flamer" once and it stuck for good. I don't even remember his name. Daniel, maybe. He took the abuse with good humour because he thought we were cool for some reason and wanted to fit in.

He started drinking a lot which didn't mean anything to us because we lived above a bottle shop and drank almost every day. He was drinking wine, another reason to tease him.

I was nice to him at first for the most part (at least compared to the others) but a couple months of of being mocked and insulted had gotten to him. He went on the aggressive and tried to rip on us the way we did to him. Before he came along, I was the usual target. Being the least horrible to him he must have seen me as the weakest link and focussed his efforts on me.

I wasn't wearing that. I made his life hell. I made him skoll entire bottles of wine if he wanted a bong. I made him drink bong water. I went all out. I used to stop the others when they went too far but I just let them go since he started on me. One night they sat a potato masher on the electric hot plate until it was glowing and branded his arse with it while he slept. I let it happen. I let them go through his room while he wasn't there and they found his rubber anus and dildo, "proving he was gay".

His insults were sloppy and easy to come back at him from. One night after I'd made him smash 3 bottles of wine he got really aggressive. He was trying so hard to rip on me but I kept turning it around and making him a laughing stock. He stood up from his chair and said "Let's go. It's on." It was sad and funny watching him act tough.

He was twice my size but I'd been in more fights than I'd like to admit and in my group of friends you did not back down from a fight. I gave him one chance to back down, he didn't, then I beat him senseless on video. It got sent to everyone.

He stopped talking and drank alone in his room for a few weeks afterwards then moved out. I found out a year or two later that he'd jumped in front of a train.

I feel awful and I should feel awful. The ridiculous part is that I'm not straight either. I wouldn't let myself accept it at the time and despised him for what I saw of myself in him. I thought I was doing him a favour by toughening him up so he could hide it better like I did. Instead, I killed him.

I don't rip on people at all now and I don't stand for it happening around me. Words hurt more than most people know. I'll never forgive myself.