I had to roast myself to my friends about self harmers to avoid suspicion about my self harm

As you can probably tell from my username i have a lot of self worth problems, i really really really hate my self. Anyways as way to quell my inner rage i sometimes always self harm. One time my group of friends saw one of my scars on my fore arm and made a joke about self harm. Everyone then proceeded to make fun of self harmers and call them stupid and worthless. I felt like i had to play along to avoid suspision so I literally roasted my self to my friends and was really mean about people who self harm.

I said things like "i hate my self, i just had to" and "only someone as worthless as me would self harm" everyone thought it was HILLARIOUS but it really hurt on the inside.

Even though this happened a few days ago i actually think its really funny in retrospect

Anyways you might be thinking why i hang out with these people. They are actually really caring people and if they had ANY idea about my self harm they would NEVER joke about it. I just dont feel like i can tell anyone right now.

Edit: thank you to everyone who has responded! Today instead of wakingup with the usual feeling of self disgust i woke up with something .... Something diferent. Thank you so much!