tl;dr haha i'm the worst

I’m sad

I really miss being loved. Not like, parental or familial love. The sort of love where the other person never had any sort of obligation to love you, care for you, and hold you – but they do it nonetheless because they decided, of their own volition, that they loved you too. Stuff like that.

Given what place this is, I’m guessing a lot of us know the feeling of being so sad it literally tears you apart physically, like it’s fucking eviscerating you, rending your stomach open, right? I feel like my meds aren’t working for some reason.

All my life, I’ve only done stuff for other people. I like to think that it’s because I’m fairly selfless, but I mostly think that it’s because I have a need to affirm my own value. Helping others with class to the extent that in my five years of university, I’ve maybe done more work for other students than I have for myself. I’m pretty much guaranteed to fail my Masters. On the flip, at least there’s like… ten people who pretty much owe their entire diploma to me.

And what did all that get me? A moment or two of validation per person, I guess. And then I’m no longer needed. I’ve been replaced by every friend I’ve ever had, and I’m pretty sure the only friend I have now will replace me to.

I loved someone too. I knew her when I was really little – used to play together as kids. Grew up, moved away, never saw her until I met her again, at Uni. My mom told me it was her – I couldn’t believe it. And she looked beautiful, and I pretty much fell in love with her instantly. And every week I’d only see her once, but that’s what I looked forward to every day. That one day where she’d sit next to me in class. And then it was nothing. And I wish I could see her again, and talk to her, or even just sit next to her.

So what am I ranting about again? Maybe that I do feel entitled, entitled to happiness.

Cause I worked, really fucking hard. Got kicked out of my first university – flunked out, drug abuse. Got over it, did so well at my new university. I was almost even done my Master’s. And I helped everyone that ever asked me for it.

But for almost the entire time, I was sad. And I am sad.

So this is tl;dr and so fucking pretentious in a place where so many of you are probably even sadder than me and yet don't feel the need to write fucking essays. But I needed to verbalize all this.

Thank you.

And sorry for being a pompous dickhole.