About that time...

I've been a fucking pussy my entire life... I haven't really done shit with it. It took me nine fucking years to get through college. NINE... And not the fun way. I was an average kid in high school. I barely tried.. I slept through class after class. I couldn't do shit with my life except for play video games and sports that I never liked. I have never truly been able to throw myself into something and give it my best. Its like I'm afraid to do my best because...what if I fail... Like the fucking piece of shit that I am... WHAT IF I FAIL... But it feels like all I have been doing is failing lately. I have failed at work. I have failed at being sober. I have failed at my engagement.... that one really hurt.. Not even three weeks ago I was an engaged man. Still a piece of shit, but a functioning piece of shit. I smoked so much it was costing me about $300 a month. I bought 50 Xanax a month and burn through them so fast I would have to go cold turkey on them.. Then I'd do it all again next month. Such a piece of shit. I'll be surprised if I can even finish this post... And worst of all I have a crippling, anxiety filled, and mostly secret addiction to masturbation. I've been on nofap for almost 3 days now. I started because after my broken engagement I decided to get help for my crippling anxiety. It fucking sucks. I get embarrassed so easily its ridiculous. If someone surprises me in the office by talking to me, I get embarrassed. I can't talk to people I don't know. I never want to leave the safety of my appartement. I do though. I do anyway. I have to work and shop and do all the things a normal person would do. I want to be normal but I just have never felt I was. Its so difficult for me to keep my train of thought... If that's even the saying. But anyway I decided to get help for my anxiety so I decided to try and get a therapist or something. Now that I have health insurance through my job I can go. So I got a list and let my mom go through them because I'm a lazy bastard, and she couldn't find a good one so she bought me some books instead. I got to chapter three in one of the books and stopped reading it. I started to drift back to my old way of thinking. I just sat on my couch and masterbated my life away. Normally I wouldn't take longer than an hour, but since I'm single now and living by myself I can take as much time as I like. So one night I spent three or four hours on the couch.. And after that I felt like a complete piece of shit that's worth nothing. After that, I decided to get help. I wasn't going to be a pussy anymore. I'm not going to be a pussy anymore. I'm almost on day three. I dropped the Xanax and going hardmode or whatever. I'll be dropping the weed after the Xanax withdrawal falls away. But really the worse withdrawal has been not fapping away my problems. I have to face them head on now. I'm no longer a piece of shit so I can't act like one. A piece of shit doesn't commit. A piece of shit doesn't follow through. I'm not that piece of shit anymore. I can't be. Writing all this down really helps with the withdrawals. I can't wait for them to be gone. I can't wait to rise from the ashes a new man. No longer the little piece of shit that I was. The pain that I'm going through will all be worth it in the long run. I will not fail! I can't and if I have stumbles along the way they will just be hurtles along the way to the finish line! I can't back down now, or I'll look like a pussy.