Ever since my "downfall" i never got up,failures after failures,always disappointing myself and others,i'm done

I'll make an extra short summary

First 19 years of my life,i hated myself,extreme social anxiety,blabla,my life sucked and i was directionless,no discipline just a lazy fuck. But i was always trying to better myself,it never worked for long. Pre-med was all right,i struggled to get my 76% average tho,i didnt really know why i wss there

Near my 20th birthday,realise so life-changing wake up call. I know what i want to become,this is my only life,i'll make the best out of it. Radically change everything about myself, way of thinking,habits,strive towards a very strong discipline and work ethic.

For the first time in my life i'm loving who i'm becoming,i love life,i never felt as happy and as alive ,everything is great

Uni starts,just need to ace few semester and i'm off to pharm school or medschool.Be very good,very disciplined,stand out in university,gpa is perfect,skyrocket in every areas of life.

Then i start getting ultra major (at least to me,i'd prefer to kill myself over living through that again)health problems that wrecked me for like an entire year.

After the year ended. My gpa became a wreck,my dreams were not possible anymoreit was entirely due to my health problems.

But more importantly, i wasn't the same person anymore.I fell so fucking low. Similiar to "reek" from game of thrones. Lost everything i had built,i was now more mediocre than ever.Even 6 year old me had more discipline than me

Want to take following semester off to recover.Family tells me that i need to keep going. Even tho i don't have anymore health problem, i was depressed as fuck,when i wasnt bathing in escapism,i only thought about killing myself.

After few months my state starts to get better but i kept failing and failing every single exam i took. 0 fucking discipline. The old me would have aced them,the new me is weak.

Dropped classes (family doesnt knoe) thought itd help me to get my shit back together. But i still don't fucking study,i always end up falling in the same shitty patterns.

I have a semi complicated oral/practical exam in the which i need a apply good first aid and control any complications in different situations (burnt victim, "extreme blood loss", etc).

The exam is at 1 pm, tomorow, i start studying at 9pm today. In fact, i tried studying the other days but i'm constantly falling in the same patterns and failing to build any discipline. I'd like to believe that i'll eventually get my shit together but i keep on failing and failing and failing stuff i should normally ace.

I'm honnestly back to the mediocre self-hating state i was in during the first 19 years of my life but i'm 5x worse than that.

Went from : Shitty->Good,plenty of potential,strong willed->extremely shitty

I feel like i'll never get my shit back together. As moronic as it may sound, i prefer to kill myself over that. I know i'll fucking hate myself for the rest of my life,my self esteem will drop lower and lower,i'll become shittier than i am right now. (I'm no different from these 4chan NEETs who spend all day in escapism while hating themselves. Well i try to snap out of it but always fail)

Tldr : Used to be good,i had a good potential. Major stuff happened,i changed,i'm now shitty,really fucking shitty. I always end up setting myself off for failure ,it doesnt look like it at the moment.

It's not a "I dont feel like studying at all,fuck that". Its a " I'll start discipling myself just after seeing this vid,just after seeing this site--------> 1 week later i still didnt open my fucking book. I open it when it's already too fucking late. Ffs i used to be ready to ace the exam days before the exam. Now i start cramming few hours before the exam)

I Keep failing over and over again,cannot get my shit back together. I have less and less faith in myself after each failure.

Thinking about buying a rope after failing my exam tomorow,i'll have to learn how that stuff work. It'll be ironic if i succeed at that

My problens are super petty compared to most of you but my life doesnt make sense anymore to my eyes. I'm directionless and seem doomed to stay in thay endless pathetic loop of self-hating and self-sabotaging. From the way things are going,i'll probably end up homeless in alcoholic in few years