WARNING!!! This is a test of the Emergency Sobriety System!!!

This is only a test...

I have been struggling with sobriety for fifteen years. Alcohol, weed, cocaine, meth, pain pills, you name it, I've been hooked on it. For the last three years my vice has been binge drinking whiskey. 10-12 shots a night.

Monday (4/11/16) I decided I'm done for good. Four days is the longest I've been completely sober for years.

Per usual, I can't sleep with out booze in my system. I got about 3 hours this morning and ran some errands and took a short nap when I got home. We have a busy weekend ahead, with un-bookable plans set already. (SO's bday, tickets bought, reservations made, babysitters booked, so on.) My SO is an alcoholic, and doesn't really care if I'm sober or not, so this has been a rough week as it is.

I digress. I was jarred awake from my nap with four phone calls and several texts. Shit has completely hit the fan.

I am VLC with my Nfamily already. They are more messed up than I am most of the time, and their drama drives me to use often. Said drama ensues and Nmom is screaming at me that my Uncle passed in the middle of the night. My morphine addict cousin found Uncle on the floor, heart attack it looks like. Uncle's wife, Aunt, has been in the hospital since Monday with pancreatitis. His daughter (my other cousin) has been in the hospital since Tuesday with a miscarriage. The morphine addict cousin has been in and out of the hospital having OD'ed three times in the last month.

I am heartbroken and angry with all of them except my Uncle. He was the only decent person out of all of them, and spent three whole days awake looking after his family. Only to go home to get some rest and have a heart attack all alone.

My mother is insisting I drop everything immediately, bring my two kids and as much money as I can for the funeral tomorrow morning. Wat. His wishes were to be buried within 24 hrs of his passing on some family land we all share about 5 hours away from my location now. SO says F that! Also, there's is a blizzard forecast for tomorrow.

Long rambly stupid story short, I said I couldn't make it, and offered to buy the flowers and have them ready for them to pick up for the funeral. After much guilt and insulting bs, Nmom said that is fine.

My family stresses me out beyond belief. All I could think about all day was having just 'one glass of wine' or go out and order 'one beer.' My SO can't stop talking about swinging by the LQ all day. I am at my wits END!

There are a lot if discouraging voices in my head tonight, but I keep shutting them down with just repeating to myself: "This is only a test."

It's just a test to see if I would loose my resolve so easily. I won't. I hope someone can relate.