Tainted Thoughts from Sugary Slop

Do any of you ever feel like a failure just because you've been thinking about eating something particularly bad? There were a bunch of baked goods at my work today. I had a 12 hour shift (during which time I didn't plan on eating anything), and I spent most of the shift:

• mentally weighing the pros and cons of eating a cookie
• wondering which kind of cookie would taste best (double chocolate)
• wondering which kind of cookie would have the least calories (definitely not double chocolate)
• wondering where I could savour my cookie in peace and ritualistically nibble it like a rabid squirrel (lunchroom? bathroom? crouch outside behind the dumpster?)
• wondering how I could get the cookie there without anyone seeing me because I'm too fucking fat to be seen eating a cookie (your bra. put it in your bra. plenty of empty space in your bra, you flat-chested buffoon)
• telling myself that I don't deserve the cookie (or anything nice, really)
• telling myself that eating the cookie is a bad idea
• thinking about how fucking good the cookie would taste

... You get the idea. Hooray for me, I guess. I didn't end up eating it. But I still berated myself all day and am still on board the Self-Loathing Express Train because I feel like my thoughts were tainted by that cookie. I spent so much mental energy thinking about it that I might as well have just fucking eaten it since I hate myself now anyway. When I think about my food intake for the day, I add that cookie to the list even though I never actually ate it. I guess I feel like I can't pretend that I have self-control if I spent 12 hours obsessing over cookie. Plus, I know that I would have eaten it if there hadn't been any people around, I was just too ashamed to eat in front of anyone.

Just a small update because I haven't been too active on the sub lately since I have finals right now: I've been maintaining my LW for a while, but I can't seem to stick to the restriction it takes to get lower. I'm so far from liking my body but somehow I can't eat less anymore. I don't know. Thanks for reading.