I tried cutting myself

My paycheck came in late and our phones got shut off since my paycheck was late and I didn't call to arrange a late payment on time. I usually punch myself a bit, but I just had no energy that morning and then I saw a box cutter. I dragged it across my forearm a couple times, pressing a little harder each time til I actually felt it. I wasn't gushing blood or anything, but I did have to wrap my arm to keep myself from making a mess.

I can't say i enjoyed the feeling, but the next couple of hours were the best I've felt in a while. Like the sting drew out how I felt on the inside. I haven't cut myself since, but I came very close to doing it again tonight and I'm constantly thinking about less conspicuous places to cut, since someone noticed(I said it was a cat scratch).

I feel so drained and empty every day, I'm barely scraping by and I have nothing to pull me from one day to the next other than my obligation to work. I don't know what I hope to achieve by posting here again, I just needed to get this out because I'm hopelessly miserable and I don't want anyone I know to find out just how bad I've gotten.