Lost love game, done with gun game
[deleted]
Posted Apr 27, 2016, 5:27 PM UTC
04
Pretty unpolished like you said. If you put this to a more complex beat than 4/4 then the meter would work but if you're trying for a straight 16 then you're off a bit. I feel like this poem is pretty hollow, try making it more personable. Take XXX by Danny Brown as an example of how to relate to your audience about your struggle for fame.
1
The Russian roulette thing really comes out of nowhere. It doesn't tie into any other part of your poem thematically.
they always make me win against these fools
they have no option, they don't get to choose
These lines are very vague. It sounds like you're trying to say something important but what that something is is anyone's guess.
A little tip: write what you know. I highly doubt that you, the writer, actually play , or have played Russian roulette. It can be hard to convey emotions revolving around an experience that you haven't had. I'm not saying everything has to be factual or from personal experience but good writing does tend to have roots in real experience.
1
[removed]
0
Loved the flow you got going here, but "surrounded by sluts, basics, and a hoe" feels out of place with everything else. I could hear a beat in my head as I was reading it though, so I loved it!