What the fuck is even the point?

I just want to die. I don't want to try anymore. I don't feel happy. I don't feel hopeful. I don't feel loved.

I just don't care anymore. I don't care about anyone I know. I don't care about myself. I don't care about the world. Nothing matters more than you think it does, and right now, I don't think anything matters at all. Speaking honestly, sometimes I feel like I could kill people without a care in the world.

Depression is all I know. My past feels like nothing, my present feels like shit, and my future feels inevitably painful.

What the fuck is the point? Why shouldn't I kill myself? Some abstract promise that I will eventually feel better? Fuck off. There are no guarantees. I may as well get hit by a bus tomorrow.

I just want to die, and I honestly don't know what the alternative is supposed to be. Have hope for some unknowable future where I feel better? How the fuck am I supposed to do that without being totally delusional?

I just do. not. understand. How do people get through this? I don't even know what happiness is, I really don't even know if it exists at all. The idea of not being depressed, of being "happy," is so entirely confusing to me. I cannot even begin to conceptualize not being the way I am, not feeling the way I do.

Everything is so hard, and I feel so awful, and I'm so confused, and I just want to die. Please. Just kill me.