DAE wish their N's would die? Feeling guilty and need some advice.

In therapy the other day I admitted to my therapist that I wished that my nMom would die.

My nMom is a monster of a human being. For as long as I can remember she's abused my physically, mentally, and verbally, and she controls my eDad and my two younger brothers with an iron grip. I've been NC with my entire family for nearly two years because I can't have a relationship with any of them because having them in my life would also mean having her in it, too.

Since I was a kid I've found myself daydreaming that maybe she would get hit by a bus, or get cancer, or something, so she would finally be completely gone from my life. I'd never admitted it to anyone before, and I'm feeling really guilty after having said it out loud.

I know that's it's probably natural to feel this way about someone who has done nothing but put you down and spin narratives about you that aren't true (I grew up believing that I was an utterly unloveable, selfish piece of shit with a superiority complex) but I still feel guilty for feeling this way because, well... it's my mother, after all.

Does anyone else ever feel this way? How do you manage/reconcile your feelings?