The Cycle ... and Resentment.

After three years of chaos and drama, things are finally settling down into a routine (which is good) .... but I'm also noticing a repeating pattern with my SO, and I'm concerned that the resentment it's causing is eventually going to destroy our relationship.

Most families with two working parents are going to struggle with dividing up household chores, financial responsibilities and parenting. The majority of my female friends have chosen to earn less, do more around the house, and have more parenting time. When my SO and I took over custody, I had different expectations. With him being the biological father of three girls, I fully expected that he'd continue to take the lead on parenting issues. Since we both make about the same salary and contribute equally to household finances, I assumed that we'd both continue to also equally share the household chores.

LOL.

This is what I've started calling The Cycle:

We start out in a good place, supporting each other, contributing, sharing responsibilities. Gradually though, it starts to shift. After an extra hard day at work he does a little less around the house. The next hard day, a little less. Bit by bit I end up doing more and more. Over time, I end up taking on not only my own work, but all the parenting, and all the housework. I start to feel like a single parent: if he's not at work late at night or on the weekend, he's on the couch watching movies while I make dinner and clean and take care of the kids. I gradually become a pressure cooker. Work presses on me, the house starts to fall apart, things the kids need get missed or forgotten, tensions start to rise, my resentment grows. If I mention something I need help with on the parenting side of things, he takes it as criticism of his children and gets upset. From his point of view, I'm concentrating on everyone and everything but him. He actually gets jealous when I'm discussing business with clients. Eventually he's the one who loses his temper because I'm NOT MEETING HIS NEEDS. We fight, and our fights aren't pretty. It always boils down to the same thing: he says he feels neglected by me, while I point out that I need him to be a partner and do his share for the kids and around the house. He agrees, and promises to do more so that I have time to be his SO, and not a maid/nanny. Things are good. At least until it starts to shift again. Rinse & repeat, about every 3 months or so. Ad nauseam.

When things are good, they're really good. But this repeated cycle is wearing me thin. Every time it happens I go back into the relationship feeling a little less like this is the person I want to get married to, feeling a little more resentment toward the situation of being a stepparent in general, and toward both biological parents for bringing these kids into the world, and then dumping them on other people.

This week has been exceptionally difficult. My 14 year old cat reached the point where euthanasia was the kindest option. Two of my stepdaughters were supportive and compassionate. The third, well, empathy is not even in her vocabulary, and I swear she made it a point to be as difficult a teenager as possible this week. I made the mistake of mentioning her behavior to my SO, in the hope that he'd have a conversation with her about it. Instead, he blew up at me. Well, I guess I know now where her lack of empathy comes from.

I'm just numb now, and feel like I'm going through the motions. He thinks I should be over the argument by now ... but I see it as a pretty clear sign that my feelings really don't matter in this relationship. I keep looking at that suitcase, and it seems like a better and better option, but that would mean walking out on at least two little girls that depend on me. What on earth have I gotten myself into this time?