I wanna break down and cry

I've been clean 19 days, and I thought I was doing good. Didn't have the urge to cut while I was abroad with a few friends, except for one occasion which left me in horror, shock and anxiety for a few hours. Now that I'm back home I'm crushed with all the pressure and anxiety from school and the environment that it is, I just heard my godmother has cancer which has spread past the operation she had, a good friend got a psychosis and legal trouble from weed, I feel constantly at edge with my dad who drinks every day and doesn't do almost anything and I feel ashamed for being angry at my parents and that I have self harmed in the past. I feel bad that I haven't been active on this subreddit, there are people who need someone to talk like me and I haven't been there for almost anyone

I wanna cut so bad and at the same time think that it will just cause more cutting if I do it again.