People Who Claim the 90's When They Were Born in the 90's

Seriously, shut the fuck up. You do not remember when Kurt Cobain died. I mean, I sort of do, and I was 10, and no it didn't change my life. This is nothing against Kurt Cobain. When I was 10 I was watching Saturday morning cartoons and hula hooping and playing with my Pogs and listening to Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston. You were either a) not alive yet, or b) gurgling in your nappies.

People were different then. They weren't as jaded. There was this naive, really cherished idea about being "authentic" and "not selling out", which we've since moved past because what is authentic? What do we have to do to survive? The economy's different, our president is different, our job climate is vastly different. We're a little less racist and a little more racist. We have the Internet and we have smartphones. No, we can't go back.

It is really strange to hear this garbled version of the 90's coming from kids who don't remember it. It's as if I tried to run around claiming the 80's. Yeah, I was alive during it, but I was playing with Tonka toys.

Look. Maybe you don't like the time you were born in. I don't blame you, shit sucks out there, but you just sound like a fucking idiot when you wax romantic about, I don't know, wearing chokers and jeans with holes and shit "way back when". You were not doing that in the 90's. You were wearing one of those kitty-printed sweatshirts with the puffy letters.

Remember what I was saying about 90's "authenticity"? Well, you are a poser. (A poseur?)

You are Millenial, and after. You grew up with the Internet. You know what Justin Bieber's earlier albums sound like. Maybe he is not the hero we want, but he is the hero we deserve, I guess. Does he still spit on people? I have no idea. Do we like Justin Bieber? Who are all those people in Teen Vogue? Why have the Kardashians made contouring a thing that is showing up on absolutely every girl's face? We are gonna look back at these times and laugh at our big black eyebrows and fake cheekbones, and remember when our president was black, and that he could actually dance.

Don't be sad that you weren't really a conscious person during the 90's. You have a lot of work to do during this time or our country is going downhill real fast. Stop complaining. And please, for the love of Pete, vote.