when all the crap hits the fan..

sup r/opiates fam, using a throwaway here. but i really need to vent.

so, my boyfriend's birthday was on friday the 13th.. and he went up from our college town to his hometown (4 hrs away) so he could have dinner with his parents. he was only supposed to be gone 24 hours.. leave at 2 pm, be back around 2 pm. i was texting him at 11:30 that night, the last thing i said was "you're the air i breathe, i love you so much.."

except i didn't hear from him at all yesterday.

so eventually i texted his parents around 6 pm because i was really freaked out.. and they're not cool with me at all. and then they called me, said "we know about his drug use, we know about YOUR drug use..." asked if i'd ever done heroin, told me i was lying when i said i wasn't high right now (no, it was all at your son's place, ugh) and basically that i will have no contact with him, and that he is "getting help". and that i need to "get help". they think i'm the reason he's on dope, it sounds like... when no, it's the other way around..

i am freaking the fuck out guys.. this is the love of my life. we might have done dope together, but i tried so hard for so long to keep him from relapsing.. and then when he did anyway, i couldn't bear to leave him because what if something happened and i wasn't there, you know? and then i got on the shit myself and just... I don't know man.

i want to speak to him again, i want to hear his voice, i want to hug him.. but i dont know if or when im gonna be able to do those things again. we both have summer classes starting next month.. but that's next month. 3 weeks. 3 weeks of not knowing anything... it's like he was here one moment and completely disappeared the next. i want to hear his voice so badly...

and then this morning his dad texted me again saying "you agreed that contact with [him] would come through me. and now you've tried to go behind my back." um... excuse me.. how?? i sent him (my boyfriend) a few texts this morning, basically saying how much i love and miss him and that wherever he is, i know he's hurting and that i'm thinking about him.. but i KNOW he doesn't have his phone. it just rang and rang and rang when i called yesterday. so it's not like i'm actually trying to contact him anyway... just hoping he'll read my messages of love when the time comes. i emailed my boyfriend a couple times too, just in case he checked it for work, idk if that's what he means..

as for me.. i'm on day 2 of detox, haven't had any dope in 48 hours. i came clean with my dad and i told him i've been having problems with dope, and he listened and he's accepting.. he's a physician so i have some good meds to help me thru it. but it doesnt even feel like anything compared to the worry i have for my baby right now. i fucking want some, yeah, to make all this pain go away.. but i need to be clean. i WANT to be clean. i want to be clean so his parents fucking accept me. and honestly i dont feel that bad.

we were working our way towards being clean when all this shit hit the fan, too, which is the worst fucking part... i was tapering, or weaning i guess, i don't know, just doing a little tiny shot every time i felt sick and it was working. but he did way bigger shots than i did and i know he's hurting HARD right now. :( my baby.. he wasn't ready to get clean yet so whatever bullshit they're making him do, i know it's not going to help.. they didn't even say if he was in rehab, or if he's just on lockdown in his house.. he's 20 years old for christ sake, he's not a fucking child..

sorry for venting guys. i'm really stressed out right now. i don't know when i'm gonna talk to him or see him again... and i still havent responded to his dad's text because i dont know what to say... everything was fine 48 hours ago. but now he's just... gone

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