My father died two months ago. He was basically one of my best friends. My Bipolar is going nuts due to grieving.

So, quick deal. I have bipolar 2, medicated. Was not having episodes for a long time. My father was a good man that sadly got MS around 2004. For the last 7 years I was his caregiver with him every week day. He was a great Dad so I thought I'd pay it back, ya know? Sadly around December it started taking his mind. Then the rest of his body followed. It was...it was hard seeing that. No, understatement there. It was the worse thing ever.

So, now, he's gone. I feel so fucking shitty. I've just gone to shit. Mood swings a lot, hell I was manic as fuck at his funeral. Some people were asking my Mom why I wasn't more sad. Eh fuck um, they don't understand. Anyways, I just don't know how to help myself with this. I have emotional support, loving friends, one came 2 hours for the funneral because he had to deal with his mother dying of MS so he knows how it is. But I push um away. I dont wanna bother them. I know they care but I just dont wanna bitch about losing him every fucking day.

So ya, idk what to do. Sorry if this is just a rambling mess. You'll understand. I just, he wouldn't want me like this. He told me several times to make sure I took care of myself after he died and not just crawl into a hole. He understood it'd be hard but he just wanted me happy. Feel like I'm failing at that.

Ugh god, ok, ending of post. I basically dont know how to feel better. My therapist appointments keep getting pushed back, I'm on shit for anxiety but that only does so much. I wanna feel better.