I just turned 48. I have always been completely terrified about getting old. There is no way I will let myself reach 50.

I was diagnosed with clinical depression in my late 20s. I made one serious attempt at suicide when I was 26. After being diagnosed and put on Prozac, things started to change. I put myself through Law School, and I practiced law for a number of years. But even 15 or 20 years ago, I told people that I didn't want to live past my 40s because I am absolutely terrified about getting old. I thought maybe the terror and panic would lessen over time, but it has gotten worse. None of my friends are my age and I don't fit in with my generation. All of my friends are 15 or 20 years younger than me, I think because I started really living so late. I just moved so I don't see my friends anymore, but even before that, I was never 100% a part of the group because of my age. I am divorced and have no children. Nobody is relying on me for financial support. Right now, things are about as good as they will ever get. I have this amazing job I just got a few months ago. For what will probably be the last time, an incredibly cute 20 year old girl has a thing for me. I have aged well, but I will definitely become invisible in a very short time. I have come to terms with some of my deeper secrets that haunted me when I was young, and when I disclosed the secrets to my closest friends, they showed complete and total acceptance. I have been thinking more and more about suicide the last few weeks. I always wanted children and now there is no real chance for that. I know I can't date much younger women, but the women my age who like me don't hold any attraction for me. This means that I will just keep getting older and be forever alone. I know this would devastate my parents and my siblings, but I don't think that is enough to keep me here. This isn't just about what's happening in my life. I have this absolute phobia about getting older that other people just can't have, or nobody would be getting older. In video game terms, I feel like I have finished the main storyline and watched the credits. All that is left is playing the optional missions and achievements for the next 30 years to try and get 100% completion. All while my hair starts to fall out and I put on weight and my aches and pains get worse. I am a Buddhist, and I think reincarnation is pretty likely, so being dead doesn't worry me. I was planning on running a hose from the tailpipe into my car in my tiny garage today, but I may wait a week. This is a pretty good thing to procrastinate on. I know it is more difficult to die by this method, but with my tiny garage and starting my car cold, it should work. My biggest fear is ending up with brain damage.