I don't want to numb the pain any longer

I think i found out what No Fap really means to me. As soon as i had a computer in my room, at the age of fifteen. I started consuming pornography and masturbating to it till today when i'm 24 years old. I won't go much in to detail about the past years, but obviously i wasn't satisfied so i turned to PMO, to cope with the pain. Over the time my obsession with my virginity and my failure at work or school became greater, but i didn't abstain from pornography. Sometimes when i felt really down, i said to myself: "You might as well never get laid till the end of your life". That's a really depressing statement to make, but i had not the guts or the energy to change it. I made some other dumb decisions because i wasn't taking care of my life really.

But i also had my first relationship with a girl, i have to be honest from the start, i didn' fell in love with her how i'd expected. But i got into the relationship anyway cause i thought i can't let this change go away. I had doubts in the relationship, and they were able to convince me, that the relationship wouldn't work out, and that i had to "make other experiences". Anyway, recently i had sex with an other girl. And of course after that i realised that this whole fucking idea of fucking around was just a concept, that was put in my head because of my massive porn consumption, and i hate myself for it.

But pornography is just a little sympton of my huge problems. I never had any hobbies where i was good at, i was just doing the stuff that my colleagues were also doing, and i didn't really know what to do with myself. Porn filled this void, a void that would have led to great but necessary pain, was filled with a poisonous substance that conquered my thoughts and my brain. Instead of overcomig the pain and learn from the experieces, i let porn took over. But i'm sick of it. I'd rather wish that the pain kills me than numb it down with porn. I messed up so bad in my life i can no longer imagine that it will turn out for the better. I honestly thought i was on a good way last summer, but i destroyed everything i acomplished, and porn was somehow a catalysator for the process. I would have eventually still fucked it up. But without abstaining from PMO i'll never be able to change my attitude towards women, or my general outlook on life