Check in from 21 years of sobriety relapser

First I want to thank everyone who replied to my original post. I look at it daily and am so grateful for everyone's attention, love, and support. You have all given me a lot of support. The incredible outpouring of words that you all wrote actually make me cry with gratitude. You are all amazing, supportive, and wonderful.

But - I am my own worst enemy. I am somewhat horrified to say that I drank again, after my 2nd AA meeting. I made it through the withdrawals and started going back to meetings.

Then - I drove myself to Whole Foods and got some newfangled "wine in a can" - ugh. The cravings were so intense. I know that there is NO EXCUSE for this behavior. I could have gone to another AA meeting but I did this instead.

My disease is in high gear and I'm so afraid I won't make it. F*** - I'm just being honest. I need (or my HP) needs to tame this beast. I have been praying daily for God's grace to remove the obsession. I have not been drinking 24/7 like before - but I did drink again. So there it is. Drinking is NOT fun for me. It is NOT pretty. It is NOT elegant. It is horrific. I don't know why I even did it. But - I did.

I hate that I did this. So, there it is. No need to even reply, I just wanted to check in and tell the truth. I have to make it, somehow, someway. There is so much at stake. I have to redouble my efforts, clearly.