I hate my family, I hate everyone

Yea, they say abuser is abuser, abuse is never close to love. But deep down abuse is love, that's how I felt about it.

First, there are two parts of it. I feel that my mom loves me, but I can convince it is true. Next, my mom expects me to be intellectually and culturally superior, and I will explain what exactly does that mean.

The first point about mom's love. I've heard of so many stories about Chinese parents (I'm one of their daughters), how they live in poor areas and have no food to eat, and sacrifice for their child, and make them through university. The Chinese kind of love. The child will cry afterwards, and say, mom or dad, I love you.

What I learnt, definition of love is only that, go to university, parents will cry in joy, then the family's dream will come true.

Crying was a big part of it. I must accept mommy's love with tears. I imagined the routes of love, parents will work hard until they get sick, and the child will cry over this, and brings the burden of love to university.

This year I quitted university, I gave up on it, I went on the complete opposite of what I'm "suppose to do".

The second point about my family, there are always hidden expectations of what I should be in a family. There was a package of things I had to do in my life. To be cultured, to be intellectual, to speak well English not to be the typical Chinese, but the superior Chinese (aka whitewashed Chinese) One time I spoke a little Cantonese-accent-like English, and my Nmom immediately frowned at me like I am a disgusting piece of shit to the family. I speak fluent, accent-free English, which I don't know if I should be proud of or not. I hated my family. I hated Nmom. They just cannot accept a inferior kind of thing, they can only accept superior kind of things. They just cannot appreciate. They look down to the lower, and they make me look down to the lower too. I hate my family. I hate everyone. Everytime I think of cultural superiority I want to kill myself, I get mind hiccups, I frown, I panic, I ignore because I wish no one will ever find out what a ***** (insert foul word) am I.

What's my family thinking?