A hopeful dope heads Rant

I havent had many posts in this sub but i do lurk hard. I reply to comments and what not but never have really posted. i kinda just want to say a few things and get these things off my chest. for months now ive been prescribed subs but dont take them because like a good addict i cant wait till im in full blown withdraws to take my sub. i always cave at the last minute. like a lot of people in this sub ive lost a lot of trust between family. im slowly bringing that trust back under the veil of having my folks think im clean. which im not. havent been. I used today and i will do everything in my power to not use. i will put myself through the sickness and torture that is withdraws as a punishment for being so weak and such an asshole to those who love me. this game is shit, and i think im to nice of person to be around these fuck junkies who lie to get what they want. when theyre sick and need something im there for them. when im sick and need something they suddenly vanish. fuck em. its expected. i dont know where im going with these people. the drugs dont even get me high. i feel okay and complete guilt. get payed and within 2 days im broke again. i hate this lifestyle and myself sometimes. i such a low self-esteem where it affects my life. i dont want to hang out with friends because i feel such guilt. i havent had a clear conscience in idk how long. theres noone to talk to about anything without judgement. im thinking i need to go back to meetings and just have more faith in myself and stop feeling sorry for myself. idk what else to say. im here to talk if anyone ever wants to talk and vice versa, id like someone to talk with when i need to. hope all is well with you junk balls out there.