11. I feel lonely.

I feel lonely today. Well actually I always feel lonely. But it's hitting me really hard right now. It's summer and I have nothing to do (apart from wait for results and stuff) and I can hear people outside laughing and joking with friends. It's nearly half 8 in the evening and its still light outside. I wish I could be outside and just be with a friend or something. Talk about nothing. Smile. Do something. I don't know. I don't feel alive in my room alone.

I don't have any friends though. Apart from Ducky but I can't see him. There's the other issue. I can't see him or anyone. I am too scared to be around people. These trust issues (dunno what else to call it) are debilitating. I am 22 and I have wasted my life so far because of this. I feel like the last 5 years of my life have been robbed.

I miss being little and spending the whole day in the park next to my home. I would run until I collapsed in the grass, smiling widely. I'd look for my sister and she'd run to chase me. I made friends with the other kids who came to the park regularly too. I just miss the fresh air and freedom, and I miss being so exhausted from running around and playing that I'd just drop into bed and fall asleep straight away when I got home.

I feel sad for little me. She really wished and hoped that she'd feel less empty and more human when she got older. But she's 22 now and it's just worse. How disappointing is life.

I have no energy for anything. I haven't showered or eaten properly in the last few days. I miraculously made it to the shops yesterday, and all I bought were cake bites and some fruit. Pure sugar. I feel guilty. But it felt good to be outside and walking. I rushed of course, didn't want to run into anyone and being alone always makes me feel scared outside (and ironically being alone inside is the only thing that makes me feel safe, i hate myself).

But it was nice just listening to cars and feeling that breeze on my face. Forget about the worries of life, the consequences of your failures. Just remember in that moment you're alive and you're there. It's relieving. It gives me hope. It makes me want to escape.

It is beginning to look more and more like I won't have a future here anymore. Stupid me always wanted to be successful, even go to medical school and be a doctor like I had wanted since being small. Obviously, I don't have the mental stability to do that. It's disappointing, especially because I know I am a bright girl. Well I was a bright girl. It's gone now.

When's all done and dusted, I keep thinking about what I should do. I wish I could buy a plane ticket and leave and never look back. But that shit is definitely for fiction and I'm not the eccentric, witty and "perfectly flawed" heroine of some book or film who just needs to "discover" herself. I wish there was a way to escape the past and your mind - to forget you had hopes and dreams and they're impossible now. I want to erase my mind and have a new identity. Maybe wake up somewhere far away not knowing who I am. Wouldn't that be great? I could start over, and not know that my old self was a sad, pathetic, used up piece of human rubbish. I suppose I'd need a new body too - the scars on mine now might be a giveaway to my old identity.

Only think that brings me back from staying in those fantasies all day long are the people I would miss. My younger siblings. How could I abandon them? I mean... they don't need me but they'd miss me right? Or would they just forget me over time? They're young enough to grow up normal and fine with me disappearing forever.

And Ducky. I couldn't leave him. I need him. Even though it's actually a good thing if I just let him go - i've ruined his life enough already. But I'm too selfish and scared of the pain of leaving him. How can I exist without him? It's impossible. I feel that even if I did wake up far away with no recollection of who I was, I'd still find my heart aching for him. Wow how soppy does that sound?

I'm just so lonely. I wish I could talk to someone real, someone I could see and feel next to me. Someone who could make me forget for a second of the misery and emptiness I feel. I just want to go outside and run and laugh and smile like a child. I want to go back in time and start over. But like I said, that shit is only for fiction, and this is real life. And real life is not nice.