Me [24 M] with my [57 F, Mother] - at wits end with manipulation

My mother (and family in general) and I have always had a rocky relationship. Ever since I was little, I felt like I couldn't do anything right as I was constantly criticized for the smallest inconvenience, I was beat by my father when I was younger, all in all just a broken home. My mother has a massive spending problem, spending over 100,000$ on a horse that my sister did not need, among other things.

I feel like a large reason why I have such severe anxiety is because of these issues that I faced growing up with my parents. I never felt truly loved, only tested.

After my parents split up, I lived with my dad and although our relationship improved, I can't say it improved to a point where I didn't feel like I was constantly disappointing him in some way or feel free from his critical gaze.

The relationship with my mother improved, largely because I no longer had to deal with her on a daily basis. I could stand a few hours at a time but I could tell the same tendencies to manipulate and control were there.

After finishing my university degree, I went back to college for a year to continue my education. I received funding from the government which I supported myself with. At the beginning of the year, my mother joined my account to help me throughout the year. I knew from the beginning that I needed help, but I also knew this was a deal with the devil. She has supported me financially, which I really and truly appreciate on so many levels. She did help occasionally, but she also took money from my account regularly. It was a little bothersome but I figured that as long as she was putting it back eventually it was okay. I wanted to help her.

Near the end of the year, she was taking out more than she was putting in. Yesterday I looked at my bank account and there was over 600 dollars she had taken out 2 weeks ago and had not returned. I'm currently doing a full time unpaid placement and have no income at the moment. I decided to ask her about it, and whether I would be getting it back. I asked calmly and nicely. She began to go off on responsibility, growing up, etc.

She then told me that because she puts money in my account, its hers to do with what she pleases (verbatim). That she is allowed to freely take money when she needs it because some of it was hers in the first place, coming from her account.

I had a part time job during school and I was doing what I could to support myself while I was at school. I have had to budget effectively so I would have enough money at the end of my placement before I found a job in my field. I tried explaining to her that if she takes that much money from me and doesn't pay me back, I can't properly figure out where I stand financially. I told her that I am not her alternate piggy bank (and somehow blamed me for the same thing despite never asking for money) where she can go in whenever she pleases and take money without even telling me. I told her that I didn't have a problem with it as long as she would pay me back, but when I asked her about the 600 she said that it was her money (and yes, a large portion of it was, but that's besides the point as I thought it was GIVEN to me to help me).

She claimed I was abusing her throughout the entire conversation, despite simply trying to let her know why this was warped behaviour. "Its my money and if I need it I have the right to it" "go get a job and find out what the real world is all about" "all you see is yourself and that is being selfish" "its your sense of entitlement that bothers me" "its the way you speak to me with total disrespect" "maybe look at what your father has done to you instead of what i do to you" "I feel like all you want is money" and the kicker " YOU NEED TO GET YOURSELF MOTIVATED AND DO THINGS BESDIES PLAYING GAMES AND DOING NOTHING ALL DAY" - yeah except I've been working my ass off, volunteering, school, and the best part "you don't respect me"

"I hope one day you take a good hard look at yourself and realize you lost a mother who cared for you more than life itself"

Now I'm mad. If anything this was an entire exercise in her manipulation and disrespect for me. I let her know that she is manipulating me, guilt tripping me, making herself out to be the victim when all I wanted to know what was going on with the $600 she took.

She doesn't want to speak with me anymore because I had had enough and called her out on her control issues and manipulation. "Maybe one day you will realize how caring and giving I am and would do anything to make you happy"

"but mom, this doesn't make me happy. You've taken so much of my money and are now claiming its mostly yours. You INSULT what I do in my spare time after I come home at the end of the day after working full time and volunteering. She doesn't care, all she cares about is letting me know how cruel and selfish I am and how she sees who I really am now. How I apparently only care about myself. How these words will haunt her for the rest of her life.

I feel like I could never win with this woman. It didn't matter what I did or how hard I tried, it was never enough. My grandma (who I'm living with currently during placement) is the same way. They are both masters of manipulation and control to the point where I'll be sitting in a chair in a way she doesn't like, and she'll comment about it, trying to get me to sit the way she expects. It's that bad.

I know they care about me, but I can't deal with this anymore. I'm at a point in my life where I need help, but my entire family has pushed me to the point of wanting to completely fend for myself despite the precarious financial situation, to not have to deal with these people in my life anymore. They make me so miserable, they make me feel like I'm worthless and a burden to everyone. No matter how hard I work I can't do anything right; it's never good enough.

I called her out; I said she was manipulative and controlling and that I didn't appreciate the things she was saying or doing to me, or the things she said and did to me throughout my life. Of course this only made her more angry. If there's one thing I know, she will NEVER admit she's in the wrong.

I still remember my dad telling me to get over my depression, and that once I started seeing the therapist, he expected to see concrete results in two weeks or I would feel his wrath.

I want to let go of these people so badly, but I feel financially dependent on them. My husband is moving in with me soon (he's from the US and I'm in Canada) and we have very little savings until we both find jobs.

I've been dealing with this my whole life sometimes I feel like I am a complete and utter failure and I deserve to be treated this way. And then other times I feel like I need to be free of these people. I'm hoping I'll get some answers here. Though my fear is that I am still doing something wrong, even through this.

tl;dr: Mother and father have tried to control and manipulate me my whole life. During school this year, she entered a joint account with me to assist me. While she did provide small amounts of money, she also took a lot of it back too. It wasn't a huge problem until the end of the year where she took $600. I asked her about it and she informed me that because its her money she can do what she wants with it and that I wasn't getting it back. I was called abusive, I was told that I need to grow up and be more responsible (despite budgeting for everything and trying to live without her financial help), that its her money and she can do with it what she pleases. I was insulted with how I spend my free time after working and volunteering. And then ironically told that I don't respect her. Now she's threatening to take anything that she has involved with me away.