40 yo - my mom just suggested my wife is NPD. How do I know?

For the past few years, I have felt like something in my life is missing. That I am not feeling the way I should be feeling. I have a successful business and I love the work. I live in a great place (hawaii). I have 2 great kids. I am healthy. But I have been miserable. Every time I think maybe it is my relationship with my wife, my mind focuses on all the things I could be doing for her, even though I have done everything I can for her. Just built her her dream house.

My mom was visiting us this week and we went out to dinner at a very expensive restaurant. One of those places where they make the japanese food in front of you. It is close to my wife’s 40th b-day and my parents wanted to celebrate it while they were in town. I first asked my wife where she wanted to sit. She said at the end. Then my 2 boys began fighting for who could sit next to her. This is normal. I sat on the other side of them and next to my mom. My wife sat there cold as ice the entire (expensive) dinner, even though we all asked her if she wanted to sit next to the adults instead of the children.

When we got back home, I asked why she was behaving this way. She said I should have known she wanted me to sit next to her, that I will never understand a woman’s need. I said I didn’t realize it was an issue and I had asked her if she wanted to move seats. She just kept saying it was my fault. I finally told her that this was such a small thing, that if she lets the little things get to us like this our marriage is doomed. I know this will result in about a week of silent treatment.

My mom saw all of this and the next day suggested my wife may have Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I had never considered this. When I searched google, I found this page: https://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/01/23/when-love-hurts-the-emotionally-abused-man

My mom also mentioned this is the third time in a week she witnessed her getting mad about things I could not have known about in advance. And she noticed how I was walking on egg shells around her all the time.

She ignored me for 2 days, then came into my office at home and said we need to talk. She said she was mad at me that night for something I said 4 years ago. I said that doesn't excuse your actions and you need to let it go. She responded by saying we should split up. I said, that sounds good. I think this took her by surprise as she uses this tactic a lot, but I always respond by saying she is silly for bringing up divorce and we can work this out.

I feel about 8 of the 10 things that article above pointed out. But I just can’t accept that my wife of 8 years has NPD. Is this like the five stages of grief, where the first stage is denial? I just keep thinking that maybe I am doing something wrong. Could the misery I feel in my life right now be simply because my wife has NPD? I have struggled with depression all my life, so how do I know it’s not just me?

She hardly ever blows up at me, but she gives me the silent treatment all the time. When we first started dating, it drove me crazy, but now I just go about my business until we have to interact about something. And if I try to bring up the issue that got us in the fight in the first place, she just says that was the past, why bring it up?

She has some great qualities and we have some great times together. She is a great mother to our 2 awesome boys. But for our entire 13 year relationship I have felt this nagging feeling that I can never make her happy. And I feel guilty about the idea of leaving her. She has no job and hasn't worked in 10 years (despite my begging her at times, another great story). She just stays home and home schools our kids. She has no family or friends here in Hawaii either. All her family is still in Europe.

How do I know I am not just misdiagnosing the issue? Maybe she is just a normal woman with normal woman emotions?