90 Days - Past, Present and Future

I’m writing this on day 90. It’s been a strange journey. I’ve had streaks of 90 and 60 days porn free in the past two years, but this is the longest I’ve gone without MO and P. Over the past 90 days, I’ve had ups and downs, faced past issues, created new ones and most of all, learnt more about myself.

The Past:

I knew I needed to seek help when I was using PMO to escape my life. I hadn’t had sex in four years (and still haven’t). I’d even started trying out my porn induced fantasies on myself, including anal play and cross-dressing and was convinced I wanted them (both of which, when I tried, just felt silly and didn’t really do anything for me). I had issues with HOCD (homosexuality obsessive compulsive disorder), which was made worse by people calling me gay for years because I like musicals, opera and am more of the quiet type.

The main thing I realised was that my life was full of disparities and contradictions. I wanted to connect with people, be noticed, share feelings and experiences, actually participate in human interaction and most of all, be able to feel love. However, the things I wanted so desperately were also the things I was most afraid of. How could I connect, be noticed, share feelings, and be capable to feel love and to love others, when I had so much shame?

Shame is such a powerful emotion. I can recall the exact moment when I first realised that shame was the prominent driving force in my life. I watched Brené Brown’s TED talk on ‘The Power of Vulnerability’, and I never looked back. Still it didn’t come easy, vulnerability is not something you can purchase or philosophise about. It is a skill, and skills need to be practiced. It was also about this time that I first read ‘Models’ by Mark Manson. Brené and Mark spurred me on to change my life.

I’d been self medicating for years my using porn and masturbation whenever I felt lonely, frustrated, bored, or anything at all really. Looking back, I can see that I wasted my most formative years in front of a screen masturbating. I had all the classic issues like trouble relating to others, lack of empathy, a sense of being an outsider, social anxiety and numb emotions.

I reached out for therapy. I had six counselling sessions at my University. As we explored, more and more issues started coming out of the woodwork, and I felt even worse. Sometimes, things get worse before they get better. The important thing is that I felt something. Yes, I wasn’t happy, it was a very dark time, but I was actually able to feel it and not run away to a fantasy land. Being able to feel anything was a major step to improvement.

By the end, she recommended that I try reaching out for more specialist help. After being on a long waiting list, I started Cognitive Behavioural Therapy on the NHS. I realised that I had anxiety issues regarding relationships and social situations. I was so needy with potential relationships that I drove them away. Maybe it was self sabotage, so they wouldn’t get past the façade and see my shame. I realised that my thoughts and my actions can influence each other, and that I had the power to change. With a newfound optimism, I started NoFap again.

The Present:

I had ups and downs during the 90 days. I had times where I felt great, and others awful. I had, and am possibly still in a flatline period. With the encouragement of my therapist, and as the result of NoFap, I started trying to connect with people in real life, and push myself in other areas of my life. I went of a few dates with a girl, we kissed on our second date. It didn’t go anywhere as she didn’t know what she wanted. But I actually met someone new, and let them in! I tore down the brick wall that’s been my defence for so long. So what I got hurt, at least I can get hurt. Running away from the possibility of pain means you don’t have the possibility of pleasure either.

I’ve made improvements in other areas of my life too. I’ve been getting way more work done for my PhD. I’ve just auditioned for an opera in London. Singing wise, I’ve never had more connection to the body and been in better voice. I’ve started being happy for no reason, which believe me, is really, really strange. I know its cliché, but even things like nice weather (which is rare in the UK), or a particularly good day in the office, or a pint down the pub with friends feel so much better than before.

I’ve gained more self assurance and self-worth. I now know that I am worthy of love, and with time, will be capable of loving someone. I feel far less socially awkward and my speech has improved. I’m comfortable with talking to and meeting new people. I’m not afraid of who I am. I’ve started setting boundaries.

That being said, I am still unsure as to what to do next. Part of me wishes to carry on until I meet someone, which doesn’t seem likely anytime soon, as I still haven’t met anyone. Another option is to start MO’ing again, but focusing on my physical experience, being present in the moment and not fantasizing, and try to re-connect to myself physically and sexually.

The Future: All in all, its been an interesting two years. Here’s to the rest porn free.