The dilemma I face one month after having stopped.

I've been smoking consistently for 4 years. I've gone at most 2 week's time not smoking during these 4 years. Every time I stopped it was because I was broke and had no money to buy any.

Cut to today, it's been a month and a week exactly since I've last smoked. It seems it's been years though. I stopped because finals were upon me and I was far behind academically. My last exam is now in 3 days. On day one of stopping, I told myself: "As soon as I'm finished with exams, Ill roll a fat J, install Steam again and kick back the way I always have for a week or so".

However, with this month and a week of not smoking so many things have gone right. I've realized I'm not stupid like i thought I was, I'm actually somewhat clever and witty when I have a clear mind. I've been very perceptive of this and how becoming funny and interesting to talk to has affected my social circle. I'm much more open and I love learning about other people, having a laugh together, sharing a connection. Because of this I've been a lot more social, choosing almost always a night out with friends over staying in front of my computer.

The biggest and best thing stopping has done is it has made me face my insecurities and deal with them healthily instead of avoiding them. I've gotten to learn more about myself in a single month more then I have in the past 4 years.

I have a dilemma to face. Stay sober after my last exam on tuesday, or pick up, smoke, game and chill. I'm not gonna lie and say that I don't miss passing out high under my covers in front of a movie with a fully eaten pot of Peanut Butter Ben and Jerrys next to me.

The thing I have a hard time coming to terms with is that I never really told myself: "Right, this is it, I'm done with weed". I simply held off during exam period. While I do truely and deeply enjoy sober life, I've been waiting for my first evening with mary for a while, and succesfully held up to now, so I feel like this would be a good reward, the reward I've promised myself. I wouldn't even consider smoking now relapsing because I knew it was temporary, but at the same time now that I've seen who I can be sober, I would feel weird smoking again.

Can anyone relate to this situation? What are your thoughts? I would love to read what you have to say.

TLDR i like being sober but i miss being high