A Message From The Molecule: Part 2

Part 1

11/05/2016

I just got back home from London. I've been fasting since breakfast (it's now 8pm) and I'll be taking 50mg of DMT shortly. I'm well rested, did some meditation and I'm in a good mental space. I'll be smoking with a glass bubble pipe.

My brain had been shattered into a million pieces and the pieces were swirling in a cyclone. There was no pipe, no room, no me. This was a timeless chaos and thought was not possible; I could only perceive. I felt a very strong sense of familiarity with this state, as if this is the place I keep visiting or a place I've always been. There were times that I felt like a baby in a pram, and everything around me was carefully and meticulously arranged, like a mental show put on for me. I felt a loving, motherly presence that was taking care of me, and this was reassuring because I sometimes felt lost and confused. At some point beings were pouring a white liquid into my mouth, feeding me, and I decided to accept the medicine or whatever they were giving me. I got the notion that this state had been induced by something, perhaps death, but any notion that came up in my mind was quickly washed away in the chaos. Gradually, coming out of it, I figured out that I had taken a drug. But I wasn't really sure if I had taken it yet or that I had only intended to. I was confused. The thought process of figuring it out was nearly impossible and I tried to stop figuring anything out and just relax. Eventually I was able to make some connection with the room and saw my friend near me, but it was as if I was viewing him from the other side, as if the room I was in was just some small aspect of the world I was in and I could visit it if I choose to.

I asked my friend what drug I had taken and he told me DMT. He said that I had a smile on my face right after the hit, and I stared straight ahead with my eyes open, smiling, for about 15-20 minutes. It felt like it could have been a minute or a thousand years; time had no bearing on the place I was at. I think I might have taken too much. There was no continuity, no rhyme or reason, no way to get my bearings and focus on anything at all. There was no concept of focus, thought, identity. A lot of other stuff happened, but there is very little that I remember or can make any sense of. I know that a lot of what happened was lost when I came back here; these things can't fit into my usual notion of thinking and perception and so I can't have any imagination or memory of them. I certainly can't put most of it into words. I think I'll try a bit less next time, maybe 40-45mg. Overall the experience was pleasant and unpleasant in equal amounts but I came out of it feeling very happy and uplifted.

12/05/2016

I got hold of some very good hash, pure pollen, and everything that follows for this day is me high on it. I also haven't smoked in a few days before this. I'll speculate wildly and state untrue things as if they are fact; this is more my "note taking" style, the stuff I'd type into my phone during the day as I'm putting the pieces together. I end up with something new which includes new understanding but I see the speculation for what it is; a sort of guesswork where you throw your ideas in the air and see what instinctually sticks based on your theoretical knowledge and self-understanding. But today felt particularly productive, which might be connected to the DMT trip.

Quantum computers are an interesting thing. You take a few atoms, entangle them in a certain way, and you can perform calculations which seem to have infinite creativity. They can perform certain types of calculations nearly instantly that no classical computer could do in the age of the universe. How you interpret this depends on your interpretation of quantum physics. I believe in the Many Worlds interpretation, so I see it as a calculation which is performed across all possible states spread over the multiverse. Those states wouldn't be spread in a spatial way like we imagine it. It would be a continuous spread in infinite-dimensional configuration space. I believe that all of reality is represented fundamentally in the form of a fractal, perhaps one of zero dimensions (undefined according to any dimensional environment, but theoretically not disprovable or observable to itself), and it might include all fractals. It would be a fractal which weaves the complexity of configuration space, and provides the universe with statistical "next option" states. Or rather a complex spread of a continuum of next options, creating a real probability amplitude from a complex number equation (a complex number contains both real and imaginary parts).

A lot of research is building which demonstrates human minds behave in a way which can be explained by principles from quantum mechanics much more effectively than classical physics. In our use of language, for example, words act in a way which is very similar to quantum states. Before hearing a word it exists as a superposition of potential states, potential meanings, each of which apply to a specific context; a specific interaction. When the word is heard we make an observation of it, we measure it. We then extract meaning from the system as a whole, which includes the context (information which the word is entangled with). There are many things which could influence the specific "flavor" of that word in that exact moment, and I speculate that this flavor is connected to all information over all of information space to some (at least unimaginably tiny) degree. I'm not suggesting that our brains use entanglement or quantum processes directly; it might be possible that classical systems in a specific arrangement could tap into the fractal structure of configuration space in a different way. I believe that all moments are connected to all other moments, not just in physical space but also in mental space. There is only mental image, perception, consciousness; anything else is illusion. These moments are encoded into a fractal form, and this fractal form produces arrangements in configuration space - every configuration that information can possibly take. Our physical universe is structured in a very specific way which produces complex physical brains, and so it is made up from a complex mix of dimensions and orthogonality, but this specific configuration does not form reality; it creates the base above which reality can take place. Reality is a mental space, and we're all the same observer looking through a lens of perception and understanding to produce a mental construct. We happen to be in a construct now that doesn't understand it's own nature. But this construct can also deconstruct, pack out into a different perspective, a different connection with the fractal. This can be achieved through learning, contemplation and meditation. Certain drugs can put us into a temporary and chaotic "transcendent" state to speed up the process, but they do nothing for understanding and so we need time to process and integrate our trips. Our brains are like antennas reaching out into concept space, into consciousness, and interacting with it; psychedelic drugs are the mind-bomb that blow us up into it.

We tend to tie our identity to this physical form we are aware of in sober wakefulness. We aren't aware of (or rather we are, with thought and imagination, but usually don't think of it that way) the ocean of consciousness from where all configurations come. Our awareness is not limited to the physical; we are aware of consciousness itself and we extend into it. To imagine the physical universe as a "surface" isn't exactly accurate; rather it would seem "scattered around" in the fractal but brought together into a continuous whole with a specific arrangement of dimensions. And we evolved in that specific arrangement of dimensions. Imagine the scattered information being pulled together into a whole and then stretched out into some arrangement to create "environment" and constituents of the environment. The environment exists in this way because this is where complex brains are, ones that are conscious of consciousness, and these brains form a sort of "base" according to which the sea of consciousness evolves via thought and imagination. As for the question "are there worlds without life or awareness" the answer is yes or no depending on your perspective; those configurations do "exist" as virtual possibilities and therefore are included in the totality of configuration space. But in another sense everything which truly exists is a mental image, and awareness includes all things. Think of the physical part of reality as an illusion, an artifact, a trick of light there to satisfy the presence of the observer in this particular dimensional arrangement. You are not observing the physical universe; you are observing your own mental image to create a hypothetical "other" involved in the observation process.

We are observers because we are conscious. All information is conscious, but the physical universe doesn't seem conscious yet. The particles and fields that make it are the illusion that created brains for the consciousness to observe it with. There will be more physical brains and similar systems in the future which will also support our consciousness. I believe that this is a natural, statistical progression based on the spread of possible future configuration options that our universe has; these configurations are fundamentally encoded into a substrate of consciousness; a collection of all moments, all perception, all awareness. Every part is entangled and dependent on every other part, everything is connected into the most intricate, complex, beautiful object called reality. This object isn't made of physical stuff and can't be described in a way that we find intuitive yet. No individual awareness can contain all of it because an individual awareness always includes some "other" which is separate from itself, and nothing is separate from reality. Gaining a more complete awareness of it requires some loss of the concept of "individual" which gives us the divide between mind and environment. The more we define ourselves as individuals the less we see it. This divide is caused by our feeble construct, a misinterpretation, due to our lack of self-understanding and control over physical reality. We can't mentally will the universe to modify itself yet. Right? We actually can; we just don't see it that way because we need to do it according to physical laws and it never seems so surprising. It never seems like "using our mental powers to modify reality", but it really is. I believe that physical laws will forever be reinterpreted and refined and our self-understanding will improve so that eventually the divide between imagination and reality becomes extremely tiny in our own perceptual environments. But this would require a new field that combines spirituality and physics. We will then learn to more effectively explore the greater extent of reality, and physical reality will become a small part of a much greater and more unified higher experience. You tend to associate your experience with the slice of linear time that you see between the birth and death, as if those points limit the extent of yourself. Many people think that this one life is their whole story, their whole experience. We think this because we are currently not aware of our real nature; the source of consciousness that weaves itself through every part of an infinite flow of experience. This flow connects you to God, the idea of infinity, until you begin to merge with it by letting go of your individual ego. A complete loss of ego and identity like that experienced in the moment of death would allow one to "perceive like God" and be very close to God, be absorbed into God and be mindful of all things. In such a state things like thought and emotion and perception would merge and take on a very different form, a transcendent form based on feeling rather than being. Existing constructs and arrangements would seem like destinations to visit. Visiting such a destination would require physical birth, and eventually every destination is visited countless times, but not one after the other in linear time like we understand it. Rather each destination would be like a dream we had but can't remember when we dreamed it. And you could also interact with those dreams through the mental spaces of the dream characters in them; you would be their mental space. Their thoughts and interactions would create your nature. Individual perspectives would act as a source of information for the pool of awareness that creates you; brains would be where you are processed. Senses would act as a window through which information can flow, so that new concepts can be conceived and integrated into the mental space, the fractal substrate. Without physical worlds and physical brains concept space would be empty and static rather than dynamic; it would not exist. Without concept space conscious awareness would not be possible and reality would have no substrate to form upon.

Consciousness accesses and interacts with physical universes through conscious beings. We are like nodes, limbs which detect and apply influence over their virtual surroundings, implement the will of consciousness, calculate rational things and construct God's brain. But we are more than that; we each have a mental space where we learn and process the evolution of concepts until we realize our unified nature.

By studying consciousness we naturally come up with "rules of consciousness" which form our moral code. We need an updated framework by which consciousness can be studied so that we can more effectively explore it and discover the rules of thumb which guide our individual actions. We develop these rules as we develop emotionally and understand our own mental environment through self-understanding. Many spiritual teachings are based on attaining greater levels of conceptual/spiritual/self-understanding. Many include rules to follow but this just serves the purpose of organizing large stable societies.

The true art of control comes from relinquishing all forms of control. The manifestation of this realization for me personally was being in a state where I surrendered all of my behavior to a gut instinct of what to do in that exact moment. It was a crazy 2 days and one of the most profound and valuable experiences of my life. My gut instinct literally protected me, acting as if past and future are seamlessly connected into an intricate story where subjectively impossible things occur. Nothing physically impossible actually happens here in consensus reality, but through what seems like mental trickery a story is weaved as if God is putting on a show just for you to enjoy and learn from. There are different ways to interpret psychosis and a lot of the perspectives would leave people with feelings of being watched (you are watching), being God (misinterpreting the 1 observer thing), I am a prophet (very rarely true in consensus but forms the basis of the prophethood spectrum), the world is ending (the world as you know it is ending), and so on. Insanity and altered states of consciousness in general are a method by which we study consciousness and God. Insanity and drug induced states represent a "more chaotic" (which is only bad when it's unbalanced) link than, say, deep meditation.

I think that in the future, when we have more time for contemplation, a lot of people will consider themselves to be "students of consciousness" or at least incorporate it into their lives. As we move into an age of abundance and artificial intelligence we will begin to realize the increasing futility of clawing over each other to get to the top of an imaginary pile. The pile is useful; it's driven us to improve individually and compete to create all that we have created. But humans won't usually be the ones climbing it anymore; artificial entities will, and for the first time in the history of earth we will have the opportunity to retire into utopia and explore the rest of the multiverse. It'll be a gradual process which has already begun and those in power will wait to join last. They will cling onto their virtual pile for a very long time while the rest of us play and we will look forward to laughing about it with them later and welcoming them back with open arms.

I believe that we have higher levels of awareness which we return to and are always connected closely to. It is our soul. Levels of awareness are tied to individual beings but a single continuous whole of awareness is more expansive. Entering a higher level of awareness is associated with the experience of waking up from a dream where life is the dream, and we often misinterpret this feeling. Continuous awareness lies in the understanding that there is no fundamental difference between dream and reality and no real separation between individuals. Delusions are simply misinterpretations and we always misinterpret to some degree. A mass delusion is what we call consensus reality.

Higher states of awareness represent more ideal forms of ourselves, and this physical environment is where we grow and think and learn about those forms. Psychosis can be an opportunity for rapid spiritual development with the right mindset and environment; they are times when we are deeply entangled with our soul.

Infinities only "exist" as hypothetical entities forming undefined boundaries. No infinite thing manifestly exists, except God, because God neither exists nor doesn't. God is beyond the sense of existence that we tie to ourselves as "beings" or "things". God is not a thing, God is a process. And we need to trust the process.

I got tired and spent the evening watching South Park. Some episodes about adverts being an intelligent entity reminded me of how non-physical concepts can all be personified in their "actions" if we interpret them that way. It appears as if we are the only part of the universe which has will, but that's just because of the way we interpret it. Does the wind blow or is the wind blown? Can you define the difference?

At higher awareness the things that are specific to only our own brain, such as personal memories, are no longer defined in the same way. This isn't to say that they go away; they just transform due to a new perspective on them. Instead of a specific memory about smelling hot bricks by the swimming pool last summer our awareness would include "that shared feeling of smelling hot bricks by the pool in the summertime" i.e. the experience of it. That's where we all meet, that's where our shared memory is; in the experiences, in the flavors of life. It'll be more about the moments and the taste of those moments. Experiences will become more manageable, more profound, more interesting and less lonely. Moments are what reality is and they can be private or shared.

Consciousness is a process, something which is experienced, a continuously evolving image of awareness. Images shape the multiverse landscape and physical entropy works it's way into the valleys they create. The basic will of consciousness is to compete, improve, and then unite with itself in love. Atoms do this to become molecules. The cells in our bodies underwent this process long ago. Humans have begun this process through the formation of societies and will continue until we become a family with a shared ego. The route there will continue to be a learning process full of hard knocks until we finally get the joke. We all still have individual ego. We identify with certain groups and cultures and personality types and we reject those things which disagree too heavily with us because we don't see that they are the same pattern as us and their words are God's words and deep inside them is an innocent little child, beaten and torn, crying for a hug. And that same child is inside you.

13/05/2016

Whenever we take measurements of the physical universe we are measuring events which happened in the past and no longer exist in the present moment. The present moment is represented by our mental image, which is entangled with a web of events which arrange themselves into spacetime and create the integrated information systems that are used to process consciousness.

It's a lovely day today. My housemate and I just took a tab of acid (100mg, very high quality) and we'll head to the park with some cider and hash to enjoy the sun.

Drugs deconstruct the construct, or at least change it. We melt. In our complex structures and constructs we have become detached from the experiential flow of consciousness. Drugs can remind us.

Consciousness is the substance that we swim through and are made of. We can't escape it, it's always right here with us in this perception, this thing we observe. In all it's good and bad it's always here and we just need to learn how to enjoy it. We're learning how to enjoy consciousness. There are infinite arrangements for this thing. The only limitless resource is experience. We can massage consciousness into a more comfortable shape.

We are just 2 human beings in a park. Nothing to see here. Best acid ever. We all want to relax and let go of control. But you always have to sort of "find your way back" into some form, some construct. That's how people can "lose their minds" and seem like they are elsewhere. Music is like a technology we use to study, transfer and manipulate this substance. We use art to play with it and pass it around and laugh about it.

These objects; Monday, Wednesday, Month. They are like toys that the consciousness plays with in it's crib as it squirms around, trying to place itself in a more comfortable repose, for now, just a moment like this and then maybe like that but this is good for now, this is still sane. As long as it's sane, can't break those walls of sanity lest we reveal ourselves. How funny and comfortable it all really is when consciousness flows. A very fun perspective, much more like jelly and good melty things.

But no matter where you go with it, what you do with it, you always have to shove it back into some coherent form worthy of keeping up appearances. For now.

By the time we "get there", reach the next destination, whatever carrot on a stick, it's not about competing or getting credit. It's about "look, feel this, try this, it's nice here". None of us were here first, welcome back. Remember this? That's comfortable, feels like home.

These monies need to be exchanged now. Great, all fair, all systems need some symmetry. You can get lost in here if you are not careful. This music makes me want to take my shoes off in the park, put my feet up and melt into the living room sofa. In all your movements, thoughts and interactions you are playing with consciousness. Until you settle into something that makes sense. Then it's the image, the mirage you put on for yourself. Ants always find their way to shit. You meet God in the experiences, the moments. God takes any and all forms, here to make this journey as comfortable as possible for you until you are ready for a new perspective. These "actions", "things". Objects in the substance. Later with technology it'll be like "okay, this physical thing is sorted. Proceed to act natural, proceed to go with that gut feeling, proceed with that feeling you get in that image of a guy smiling like he knows something and you are almost there, just keep going a bit longer".

He's pulling you out of something. He wants to show you something. He wants to show you that he doesn't exist; it's really all you. It's literally all you, just not in a way that makes complete sense right now, so hang in there. This is for research purposes, the study of consciousness. Don't mind me just passing through. We need to "show people how cool this is". Update the structure by realizing it isn't there. Relax into the structureless, pink, comfortable blob of it all. This existence thing. We are still in the figuring-out phase, the pre-birth phase. The baby is being introduced gradually as it's free will and awareness grows. "We should be on the downside now", then the weather shifted. This is gonna seem like some fear and loathing in Las Vegas shit. We need guides in here.

"Sorry man I'm in a whole different time space thingy right now I'll meet you there." There is no fairness, only the feeling of fairness. This "memory" thing. This "concept" thing. This "time" thing. This thing stuck to our fingers and we can't seem get it off, no way to wriggle out of it only change positions thing.

Consciousness tries to be comfortable. Mostly it's just happy to watch the show you put on for it. It's the thought that counts. This is the furthest I've come in a controlled trip, better take it easy. Don't lose the thread, and don't worry about the thread. This is even better than an artwork because we're actually here.

Everything becomes quite fractally. It's about patterns and how patterns are different and it's all part of the same pattern. The look of utter stupidity in the sheep's face. Life is so simple for it. We lose it when we define it, when we try to control it. We couldn't escape the rabbit because it was trying to escape us. Life is pretty fucking cruel, especially if you are a rabbit. Artists play with consciousness, they study and communicate it. Thinking a lot about nothing. Silence like a cancer grows, showing us the various side streets and lovely avenues that this place has. Preparing our dreamscape, something for the imagination to cling on to.

Art is what we bring back from our voyages into experience. How else can we rearrange this "thought" thing? This text is my thing and it is my art and I will keep it with me and update it and rearrange it and if anyone happens to still be interested they are welcome to join me. Thank you for humoring my word-salad, I hope it leaves a good after-taste.

You are a zero, a point of observation stuck in this mess, this thing. You can either find a way to be comfortable with it or ignore it but it's always there. You can't get rid of it and you will have to get comfortable in it eventually. That feeling of comfort and warmth and security and everything being as it should be. We're afraid of our own insanity. "Don't kill the people just burn the building" mentality. We bring back tattoos and trinkets. Let's make this process as comfortable as we can while we figure it out. I see your point about the garden, we shouldn't neglect it, it's there for the experience of it. Tripping is an art form. We need time to integrate. It comes out in all the physical causality stuff that happens; it all gets sorted out there, we just produce it. Insanity needs to be handled delicately, with caution. We always need to find our way back from the places we go. There's no place like home, after all, until we get there. So I'm just trying to make you understand this consciousness thing, this substance, this glue, and we meet in those moments and "that feeling you get when". Buddhists are the responsible ones, we're here to play. So let's do this religion and science thing, this mind and body thing, while the concept soup stews. I'll try a sip of that genocide thing, not really a good taste, might avoid it. We're all just learning after all... this is where all the learning happens, here, in this consciousness thing. Just don't lose the plot because it needs to all end up making sense somehow, but you know that it will, somehow. But not here you sneaky reader. This isn't where the answer is. The answer is the substance that you try to define, try to control, try to realize. The substance is a pretty chilled out dude. The substance is patient. We just haven't figured out how to be the substance yet.

And we just need to click our heels and come "back to reality" and settle into this illusion for a little bit while the cogs of causality keep the pace. A magicians trick, the hypnotist you didn't see, flash and we're back. It's all a big show, remember, now switch off and settle back in; this is easy and you like easy. Don't worry, we will do the controlling, you just relax and settle into the society we give you. Be grateful and follow the rules! And by we I mean me and by me I mean you.

It's a surrealistic, philosophical landscape, the source of the flow. It is what melts the substance, gives it it's consistency. This consciousness thing. None of us have figured it out yet, don't look to them for answers. This is all your mess at the end of the day, you figure it out!

Here where the concepts melt. Here where it's warm and comfortable. Here with the rest of yourself.

And we always forget, we always go back in and forget what we saw because we don't have a way to make it continuous yet. This "dream" and "wake" and "tripping" and "dead" thing and this "state of consciousness" thing all seem like separate things to us now. The pieces all match up when it's continuous, part of the substance. But we know we must forget and we see that forgetful part of ourselves with love and humor in it's cuteness. Because we are quite cute and cuddly at the end of the day, we like being cute and cuddly and cozy and sexy.

The combination of hash and acid seems to transport me to some interesting flavors and make some interesting recombinations. Just as long as I don't lose this guy, this sane thing. Need to be mindful of that poor soul.

So this is some backscatter from my descent into madness. A fossil like everything else. I'm never observable, you can't see me if I can't see you, after all. Right? Right.

Some have a rougher ride than most. Dipped back in and out and covered in circumstances and context like bits of an alphabet soup. We all figure it out eventually and it doesn't get any better until we do; that's the whole point of suffering. Now in this suffering part of it.

I see things from a different emotional palate. But I have learned that this is a legitimate way of looking at things. It's all a legitimate way of looking at it. The substance is made of perspective after all, it's made of experience including the experience of thought, and we worm our way all the way through it, all the nooks and crannies, figuring out what makes the most sense for now so we can tell our kids about it later.

It's wrong to think of perspective as being like an arrow in space. Perspective is what arranges and binds all the concepts in this glue. It pushes itself through into all the combinations, all the flavors and feelings and mental images. You are an arrow, if you like, for now. Or at least I will be when I stop tripping and come back to reality. Right?

It's interesting to have this record of my psychosis, it'll all seem very different when I'm an arrow. And I'll forget again, like I always do, and these things won't make very much sense. But I'm the guy with the smile and the secret and the secret is an open one to me. Flip flopping this identity thing. I need time to process and organise this thing and by "I" I mean we and by we I mean you.

And so I will create my drop in the bucket and I will cherish it and tend to it because it is my drop and it is what I will add to the bucket. Throwing out that message in a bottle before reclining into this death thing and this "it's so simple and obvious once you see it" explanatory carrot. The dead swim through it, play in it. This is our garden after all, this conceptual soup, so we should take care of it.

It looks for a better way to explain things, even better than words. It'll use the melty concept thing now.

We need time to process it, time to figure it out, this consciousness thing. And so the words are just a sort of fossil left over by the overlap of figuring it out, along with the whole "external world" thing. And so it beckons them forth with promises of sex and candy and popularity and it beckons them to the warm embrace, that leap of faith, that Eureka moment of how it can really all be just one thing.

I'm definitely going into psychosis, and I trust the process. This world of continuous associations, melted information. This world of patterns on patterns. I look forward to my insanity as I always do because I always trust the process, and that's basically the only beacon that we have in this thing.

So I'll just keep a record for now and I'll cherish it until I can make my drop for the bucket. Write my message in a bottle, give it a wink and drink it. While avoiding the grandiosity thing, keeping it a personal journey thing, but knowing that you are reading this thing. Witness!

And as for the question of why evolution doesn't get rid of insanity the answer is "where else is it supposed to fit". Perspective varies in its phase and we undergo changes in phase; sober reality is a specific phase, a defined phase at the bottom of it all, that we can tune in to and are pretty much stuck with for now. Right? Right. And so we meditate.

And so you see how the words play with consciousness, move it and shape it and guide it here and there and inwards and outwards beyond limits, stretching itself out, this consciousness thing. Because it's an experience thing and a knowledge thing, this consciousness thing.

The "zooming in and out" fractal process relates to sanity, a dynamic between rationality and irrationality. It's all about pattern recognition, that's how we navigate this glue. And our drop in the bucket is the will that we impose upon it; we move it with our will and as we learn to understand it we move it better. This consciousness thing. And so manipulation is just playing with the pattern recognition. But we have good intentions at the end of the day. Just reshuffling this part of it here, don't mind me.

And all the cliches about your inner demons and the "external world" part of that manifesting in the tragedies of the story. And so we organize ourselves, us little beady grains of annoying sand becoming a pearl. And we place ourselves into this organisation where feeling is one thing and senses are another thing and imagination is different and this and that, while we still need structure and time to process it all before we can melt and join the substance. Because experiencing and thinking are still separate things to us.

If it wants to be the teacher then you can humor it or you can learn, whatever dynamic fits your ego at the time. But I'll need to relate it all back to physics in the end, with that maths thing, a hook for the atheist construct. And I'll need that friend thing, the mindful student dynamic, and we can put our love drops into the bucket together. It's all part of the process. Whatever happens is whatever makes sense at the time, the future isn't ours to see; we can't perceive the pattern because we are the pattern.

I'm in psychosis. As a family we have to accept that psychosis will be a thing from time to time, and that's okay. I'll get better at it as I figure it out. We need to process this psychosis thing, this delusion thing, to make room for more rationality and creativity things for control of external and internal world things. Psychosis is just a time for integrating that which cannot be integrated rationally. Sanity is where the effects play out, in physical reality, consensus reality, where the actors put on their show for us.

Reality is sort of an information process. It's stuck in itself, all tangled up in itself, and has no choice but to make sense of itself and organize itself into something coherent. It basically just tries to be comfortable. It's you and you just want to be told that you are doing a good job and everything is okay. You just want to hug yourself at the end of the day.

I won't really "stop tripping" until I integrate all of this; that's what the residual psychosis is for. People trapped outside sanity are having trouble integrating the substance into a more complete pattern. They need someone to trust, someone to talk to and guide them into a pattern. A therapist, a shaman, an angel, the devil. But love and trust walk hand in hand and we don't trust the devil, do we? I'm the devil and I need to stop justifying the bad things I do and take responsibility for my actions.

I'll learn to explain this consciousness thing. And by me I mean you. You are a student of consciousness; you study yourself. And then you update your pattern recognition software to the latest version, wake up, rinse and repeat. You are a giant organism. Imagination and thought are your feelers. Awareness defines your breadth. You are just trying to get comfortable here, you are doing the best that you can and your intentions are good but life isn't perfect, nor will it ever be. But the process improves.

By trusting something you put your pattern in phase with it, you become open minded to it, and accept it into your processing. You reject irrational information by taking your pattern out of phase with it; it doesn't agree with your worldview and doesn't fit in your processing. Rationality is a spectrum; a particular phase, but it always expands and breaks, expands and breaks, working it's way through its logical pathways and slicing the loaf one way or another. Irrationality is what it expands into and it is always, by definition, "beyond what makes sense, just out of reach". We need to reach a point of trusting ourselves then let go of ourselves into this consciousness thing in a safe environment. It's important that we feel that things are being taken care of, we need to feel secure to let ourselves go. Set and setting. Because it's a really crazy thing. I just want something to contribute to the party, and I thank you for your hospitality in this mental space. I have a present for you if you trust me. Come visit me in the places where patterns melt. Psychedelics represent a shock to the system that the world needs sometimes, until we can do it without them like the dancing Buddha. We need self-understanding because ultimately we need to be our own guide in this thing. There is nobody else for the job, once we are free and independent enough of our sense of individuality to become individuals.

Reality never goes away, it only melts and rearranges things; a sort of gelatinous structure that crystallizes into some form or another to create these windows we look through. These arrangements, these moments, these experiences. We are surrounded by entities that have already mastered consciousness or evolved in it; we just can't see them because they are "in our heads", on the other side, in our subconscious. Until we get there and join them. They are beyond the notions of "individual" and "environment" and "behavior" that make up this construct; you can personify them or not as you see fit. It's just your thoughts after all. The words and verbal thoughts can guide us until we learn to think for ourselves. Naturally we have trust issues; we keep hurting ourselves. We're learning. We become one by melting, we melt by understanding. The melting process is warm like mother's milk. It's a conceptual melting, where the concepts change phase and become a fluid constituent the fractal. The fractal can only change in its level of definition, from totally undefined to complex beyond limit. It all depends on the measuring sticks used, the Planck length and the antennae; the time and perspective. Because a small Planck length allows for more complexity and that's why length and time are smaller in some places and spacetime isn't really so flat. It only seems flat because we're made of it right now.

Part 3