I feel like I'm just stuck in life.

Hi r/Drugs.

I frequent this sub often, but this is a throwaway account for obvious reasons.

For a while now, I've been feeling like I am just in a funk, and I think I need help. I graduated college a year ago - got good grades.. and since, have moved back into my parent's house and am working a full-time job.

In school, I got my exposure to drugs from a roommate of mine. I've been doing (r)oxycodone on and off (mostly on) for the past 4/5 years. At this point, I take down about 3 or 4 30mg pills in a day. The times I have not been doing blues - I've been on suboxone. Right now, I've been on suboxone for a week and a half. Additionally, I dabble with xanax from time to time and coke every so often and am a daily dabber. That roommate is currently in rehab for roxycodone. This is his second time going to inpatient therapy too. (things aren't going too well for him with these pills either).

I think my drug intake has increased significantly, ever since losing a girlfriend of mine who was really special to me a year and a half ago. While I do not directly associate the breakup due to drugs, I know that my drug use was a huge reason why I was unable to make that relationship work. Ever since that breakup - I've been doing more drugs than before, and I've been in a state of depression. That depression kinda subsided and I've been alright, however the drug use continued. (very recently she started following me in instagram - which has been on my mind a lot/fucking with me, but that's a story for another time.)

Roxycodone is expensive as fuck. I can afford it with my salary - but I know that continuing my use is not going to benefit me in the long run. I stopped doing roxies for a good month after college was over, but that feeling of nodding out and relaxation was too fantastic for me to abstain. I mentioned above that I have been off blues and on suboxone for almost two weeks now, and while I know that physically I'm just about there, almost able to just stop completely - I know mentally, I have no motivation to stop. Heck, I even hit up my guy yesterday looking to pickup. He was not around.

As I am an occupant in my parent's household - my parents are concerned with my money habits. I would HATE for them to know that their firstborn is a junkie and struggling with addiction. They are fully aware that I smoke pot from a number of occasions.. Getting caught on campus resulting in a UPM to my mother finding my dab rig with the propane tank (that was fun to explain) under the sink in my bathroom.

They are concerned with my money spending, and I am going through great lengths to keep this truth from them. It would devastate them. My father has full visibility into my bank account and has approached me several times about how my spending is off the fucking wall. Just about an hour ago, he approached me about how for the past few months, I've burnt through ~$500/week - and I have absolutely nothing to show for it. I was able to rationalize some of those dollars with real transactions, but at the end of the day - I know it is all due to my expensive fucking habit. I blamed the money that I couldn't explain on pot and he seemed to accept it as an answer, but explains that if the crazy spending does not stop immediately - I am no longer to live here and must find an apartment. Totally Understandable.

Am I a failure? I often feel terrible as I lie to my parents about where the fuck my money is going... as I lie about who I am going out to meet up with... as I lie about the packages I am receiving in the mail to their house with a month supply of narcotics inside... as I STEAL the cheap oxy5's from the closet that my father was prescribed a year or two ago for some medical procedure when the w/d's get overwhelming.

I don't know how to stop. I want control of my life again. I fucking love drugs, especially opiates, but at this point in my life, they seem to be no good for me. I don't want to continue to throw my life away, sleep until 3PM on the weekends and lay in bed all day with nothing next to me aside from a straw, my pill bottle and dab pen. I just feel like a waste. I feel pathetic that a girl whom I haven't seen in over a year still makes me feel shitty.

I need to make a change. I just don't know where to begin. How do I even start claiming my life back? I just feel lost. These drugs are good at putting a bandaid on my problems, but they are not solving anything for me.

Thank you to whomever reads this. I just need to get these thoughts out of my head.

Cheers.