My Father Has Cancer

Summary:(You can skim read if you like) June 2015, I was a 17 year old boy on a road trip in Reno Nevada, we had just started our road trip of the american west coast. We had grand plans of driving a massive RV from San Francisco to Yellow stone, Grand Canyon finishing off with Los Angeles. This didn't go to well because on a road in the mountains my dad had a seizure. We stopped the vehicle and he started foaming out of his mouth. My brother and mother were freaking out, but I grabbed the phone and called 911. I guided the ambulance to our location. My other family members weren't focused so I decided to go with the ambulance to help the paramedics. My Job at that point was to calm my dad because he had muscle spasms and wasn't breathing properly. For several minutes I did my best to calm down my dad, which eventually allowed a pipe to be inserted into his mouth and nose. Once we arrived at the hospital I thanked the medics and they replied that I did a good job.

I then spent the next 2 hours waiting beside his bed as people were swarming around him. A man came to comfort me but I told him I was fine and he left immediately. 30 minutes before my mothers arrival I was informed that my father had a tumor. My mother was shocked, but what worried her the most was that I had been sitting alone with the knowledge of my fathers tumor. My mother was overcome with stress and it took her a long time to get to the hospital. Later interactions with my mother showed that she wasn't currently capable of taking care of herself, nor did it seem that my brother was capable either. It was at that point that I realized that I would have to replace my father for the time being and guide my family for the coming weeks. We ended up staying in Reno for 9 days visiting the hospital everyday. It wasn't until after we got home to Sweden that my family became somewhat stable again.

The next 9 months were spent focusing on school work (or so I would have liked). I was in the last year of high school as an IB student. For those unaware IB is basically an international program that has a very high academic standard and thus it is not easy to pass. Those 9 months I dealt with mild depression and a short phase of more sever depression. I was honestly overall happy but I had my depressive moments. I would listen to music every night and cry frequently while listening to the music. I cried partly because of my frustration of everything that was happening and partly because of the beauty of the music (I was listening to semi-classical music such as anime piano compositions). I would tell myself every night that my greatest problem in life was procrastination. I eventually started to fail assignments and gradually deteriorated. Once exams came I wasn't prepared and failed. However I plan to retake my exams this November and I plan on getting high grades.

According to the doctor my father probably wont live long enough to experience June 2016. He is right now at a Hospice and he needs constant attention.

The Important Part:(Read this) While most people would assume that having to deal with a parent with terminal brain cancer at the age of 17-18 would be detrimental to their mental health and that it could overall be described as living hell. While I can't speak for my twin brother, he doesn't have what I would describe as a healthy mindset. He is most likely in denial and is trying to escape and ignore the problem, but he could certainly have handled things worse such as suicide, which I was considering for a time (however that was for existential reasons rather than depressive).

My mother described the day that her husband became sick as the worst day of her life, I on the contrary was delighted as I recall myself thinking. I wanted to take a picture for the occasion because I thought that I would appreciate a solid piece of memory from such an impacting life event in the future. I saw what was happening as an opportunity for me to grow, it was the kind of life changing event I had been wishing for my whole life. I wanted something to really challenge me and allow me to really grow as a person. I was overall really happy, despite my circumstances. I wouldn't be as great of a person today if this hadn't happened.

The past 12 months have been the toughest and most challenging of my life, but they also contained some of the best days of my life. I have grown so much and really matured, because of that I am grateful that my dad got cancer. The way I rationalize this is that from an objective stand point my life will be fine without my father since my family is wealthy and my mother is able to take care of everything else since she doesn't have to work. I see my circumstances as being overall positive. I lost my father but in return I gained invaluable personal development. While I do feel sad about my dad's eventual death it honestly does not bother me that much. I don't really know why, perhaps logic is enough to convince me not to be sad. I base my actions, thought and emotions around my life philosophies, collectively they are like a rule book/bible that guide me.

My current philosophy: Its not about what situation you are in but how you feel. Your current situation might look dire and everything is going wrong, but that is not important because it is your mind, your personality, it is who you are that is truly important and not the rest of the world. Your dad might have cancer and is only going to live for a month, but that is OK because you are a good and strong person.

Conclusion: The sole reason why I am writing this post is because I want outside perspectives on my situation. I recently had a conversation with my best friend and she told me that she thought that the way I handled everything was amazing. She thought that my attitude and way of thinking given the situation was impressive. I told her that I wouldn't believe her compliments unless additional people agreed with her. So was the way I handled the situation admirable and is my way of thinking healthy? Furthermore do I have some mental condition that allows me to be so emotionally tolerant and finally am I a psychopath?

(I had to cut a few paragraphs out to make it more concise, however I felt that the complexity of my situation can't be described in a short post, therefore thanks for reading my long post)