Source
r/OCPoetry•
AtoFtw

A Day in the Life

Feedback Received!

Hey guys! I really want to know if you can take a guess what this is about, concerning a personal thing in my life! General feedback and questions are appreciated too!

A Day in the Life

Leaves rustling in the wind
Quivering with fear
The night contained the sadness
I should have held them dear

Instead I let them go
Out there by themselves
The leaves became the monster
And then I heard them yell

“Wait,” “Come back!” I said,
They thought nothing much of it
Dragged further in
The leaves than clawed and bit

Suddenly the world was void
From all hope and desire
I was suddenly folded in on
By the leaves that once were tired

Escape was my first thought
Pushing, pushing away
But the leaves begged and pleaded
They wanted me to stay

“No!” I shouted.
I couldn’t try to deal
But silly me stayed anyways,
That’s just how I feel

Feedback:

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/4ozxxe/a_poem_i_wrote_anxiety/d4hd7yc

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/4p1q3j/stumble/d4hdajx

Posted Jun 21, 2016, 12:33 AM UTC

13
ParadiseEngineer•

Perhaps being left alone?

I have to say that the last two lines sort of detract from the dramatic stage set in the rest of the poem. I reckon they could be tarted up a bit :)

1
AtoFtwOP•

Thank you for your feedback. I will try to change that part a bit!

1
gwrgwir•

Punctuation on the whole could use work, as could some of the grammar ('leaves then' instead of 'leaves than', for example). Fourth stanza presents as a non sequitur and change of perspective - in the first three stanzas, the narrator speaks in past tense of others, whereas in this stanza the narrator takes the place of the others instead. The final stanza reads oddly - there's resignation, but that doesn't seem a natural continuance of narrative given the leaves as a monster that claws and bites.

1