I Wanna Travel

Feedback Received!

 I wanna travel

 

 I wanna go somewhere new

 The badlands, the Louvre

 The isle of Skye under the lights

 of the north

 I wanna go back to Odense

 Return to the north of Italy

 Watch the New Year fireworks at Sydney Opera

 Or the fireballs in Stonehaven

 

 I wanna travel

 

 I wanna go some place new

 Walk the Great Wall of China

 Make a quick trip to Istanbul

 (Not Constantinople)

 Walk on the surface of the moon

 Take in the sight of the Mons of Olympus

 Visit intelligent life on a far fling planet

 For a cup of tea

 And find out we share problems

 

 I wanna travel

 I wanna go some time new

 A rainy day in May in Gothenburg 82

 The first ever Glastonbury festival

 To and see The Beatles as they

 Play on an Apple

 I wanna see the future and find out

 If I'll ever get my damn jet pack

 And take a look and marvel at

 Advances in tech

 And then, maybe, go home for food

 

I wanna travel

 

 

 

Feedback: https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/4p77pn/this_will_never_be_read/d4itict https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/4p7qy4/the_old_man/d4iupc8

Any advice on formatting here would also be appreciated

Posted Jun 22, 2016, 2:20 AM UTC · edited

23
pysdonym•

I love the line "And find out we share problems", it's an interesting twist. I would describe each of these things more, don't just name them, put the reader in the places you want to travel.

1
williamthebloody1880OP•

Everyone thinks that if/when we meet aliens they'll be vastly different from us but I'm willing to bet that at the end of the day they go home, crack open a beer and bitch about work just like us

1
nickphoto•

I think you could definitely find an alternate line for the tech one. I get what you are trying to say but tech to me sounds awkward. Maybe change... Progress.. Something slightly more ephemeral but not too vague. Kind of a challenge.

1