Trump, 2016
[deleted]
Posted Jun 30, 2016, 3:34 PM UTC
17
I agree with odd-crow. Thematically this is effective and consistent. It reads well, but this just doesn't come to me in Trump's voice. And that was a real barrier. I think trying to represent idea a little more into his diction might make the poem both more absurd, which isn't a bad thing considering the subject matter, and more effective.
Anyway, just something to try.
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Thank you for your feedback!
It's surprising me that two people seemed to expect it in Trump's voice. Apart from the italicised lines I didn't intend it to be but it is a good idea. Do you think it would have worked better if the title had been something else, like 'The Lizard Man' - and then it would only be implied the lizard was Trump, which might work better?
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It's probably because you use first person. I imagine the non italicised lines to be the voice in his head and the italicised ones as tv sound bites. Otherwise, I agree with the other commenters (especially how the words 'parseltongue' and 'carlinesque' stick out and take me out of the poem).
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Possibly - trouble is, in my mind the lizard is completely separate (and has a separate voice) to Trump, which is why the italicised lines use the 'folks' cliche so as to try and distinguish them.
If the title didn't mention the word Trump how long would it have taken you to realise it was about him? Part of me is thinking if the poem was called something else the poem might not have this problem?
Your interpretation is spot on - that's certainly how I intended the italicized lines - except that the lizard has a separate persona and way of speaking to Trump.
Thank you for your comment!
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With a different title, probably not until paragraph 5 or 6. If I read it without paragraph 7 it's easier for me to see it the way you do. I actually like it better without 7. Try it, let me know what you think.
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It was a quick and enjoyable read, with a nice rhythm - but it was hard to imagine Trump reading it.
The imagery of the lizard throughout was effective in getting the message across without being TOO hamfisted, which is good.
A few places were nice imagery and turn of phrase in their own right, but a few phrases really took me out of it like "carlinesque venom" and "no need for parseltongue". Again, by themselves they are nice by themselves, but I can scarcely imagine trump saying them.
If you were to make edits, I'd "trump" it up a little more. smaller words, and a bit more self-centeredness.
Thank you for your feedback!
I wasn't imaging Trump saying all of the lines out loud, only the italicised ones. But I take your point. Thanks again!